Anniversary Reaction

Five years out, it turns out that I still experience a depressive phase for a while beginning on/around the date of that miscarriage. I never expect it, but after a few days of unexplained depression may look at the calendar and realize, oh hey. Lookit that. First week of August again.

Just in case anyone else has this, it's a pretty common reaction to all sorts of traumas. The "anniversary" may be a seasonal trigger, or a weekly one, or even a habitual location. But when you've cried and bled (literally or metaphorically) in a particular situation, the recurrence of the situation reminds your body of those feelings.

For me it's often a seasonal thing: the smell in the air, the quality of the light, the ebb and flow of particular activities.

What Kind of Jokers Are These Gods, Anyway?

It took us about 36 hours to get our heads around the possibility of a
baby and rustily reverse our feelings 160° to where we were actually
feeling hopeful instead of resentful. However, tests continued to
display light test lines, despite trying different brands, which made
me insane all week with suspense. So I was sad and disappointed but
not terrifically surprised when after a week the line was actually
fainter, and that afternoon I started having some bleeding. On the
other hand, I am relieved that it did not take 3 months this time. At
least I'm unlikely to pass out and break any limbs this time.
Therefore I'm not having a great weekend, but I probably won't be
traumatized for months on end like last time.

Unable to Be Optimistic

So after our original freakout, and my subsequent day spent moping
about my dashed career future, we had a decent night's sleep and both
felt better about the whole baby thing the following day. And it
certainly gives me a motivating deadline to work against for a number
of activities. But now I can't even get very excited about the
possibility of a new baby due to my worries about another miscarriage.

And it's not random worry: every p-test I've taken (including this
morning) has had a super-faint test line, meaning low HcG levels
(which usually means not a stable pregnancy). Every test with
Limelet--and even the last pregnancy--had good strong test lines. I'm
17 DPO now, so it seems to me it should be getting darker, as HcG
levels are supposed to double every few days in the first weeks.

In a few days I'll try a different brand, as I've seen a few
complaints online about the faint lines of the First Response brand,
which is what I mostly used this week. Well, the very first one was a
store brand, but I wasn't surprised that one was faint as it was only
the second missed day. Ironically the store brand (CVS) looks to have
pretty high ratings; higher than First Response.

If I am going to miscarry, I'm sure as heck not going to allow another
D&C like last time, unless there actually is bleeding that won't stop.
Which was not the case.

I see that I never did write about that whole part of the
unpleasantness. Perhaps I will, but not now.

The Gods Are Laughing. As Always.

It's been a year, and I've continued to track my cycles. This makes nearly two and a half years that we've been hoping for the second one (including the whole miscarriage episode).

But since about January, I've been feeling increasingly ambivalent about having a second one. More so each month. As Limelet gets older, we've begun to see the light at the end of the baby-rearing tunnel, and it's been good. More nights of nearly sleeping through, greater freedom to return to things in my own personal life rather than just the Mama part of my life, and so forth.

So after this last cycle I brought this up with TheLimey during a park outing, and we seem to be in accord. Neither of us felt ready to commit to stopping trying completely--we both feel we'd regret it if we didn't give it a try--but both of us have been feeling some relief at not having a baby around and all that entails. Especially given the accounts of some friends with new babies recently. We'd like to get going on everything else in life, too.

I knew, knew, knew what this discussion meant: it meant that we were about to see a positive pregnancy test.

Which, of course, happened this morning. Can you see why we've become so superstitious?

It's still very faint, but I tested several days earlier than I did with Limelet. And I can't remember with the second pregnancy, but I'm sure it was darker. So, I've no idea how to feel about this. I really don't want another three-month pregnancy that ends in miscarriage. If the faintness of the line indicates low HcG levels and a pregnancy that won't "take," then I'd rather it end, like, this week instead of in late November or so.

Hopefully this time I can at least avoid breaking any limbs, right?

(God, now I've asked for it, haven't I?)

Nothing After All

Was just getting too anxious waiting yesterday and requested husband to bring home some tests.  I got a negative, and finally had the evidence this morning.  We were both pretty disappointed last night, but better last night than being excited all night until today.

 

So apparently my luteal phase has been a day longer the past two months now. Odd.  Of course, it was longer back in the day before I got pregnant with Limelet. Now I know to account for that in my calculations for next month, too.

 

Crud.

Waiting

Waiting to see if today ends with pregnancy or otherwise.  Should be today, but there's still time left in the day.  I can't test as I usually do when impatient because I can't get out to buy a test due to the snow situation.  Well, I'll just have to be patient, I guess.  Or wait impatiently, alternatively.

 

Last month I thought that my luteal phase lasted a day longer than usual (for me) but in retrospect I think I anticipated ovulation a day early.  My results on those o-tests start getting dark several days beforehand, and sometimes the "day before" is very close in appearance to the "day of."  So this month I was very careful in not counting it until the test line was definitely as dark as the control line.

 

Anyway, impatiently waiting to see if anything happens today. I wish I had a test so I could just know without waiting!

Once Again

This month, doing same regimen as before except increased isoflavone mgs to 160. There was so much going on here at home on day 4 (holidays and so forth) that I wasn't sure if I took them that morning or not, which is unusual for me. But at any rate, it's not like I'm not ovulating anyway--I'm just trying to "enhance" it.
Ovulation went to day 15 this cycle; it had been day 13 the past couple times. My cycles got really short for a few months right after the miscarriage. My first reaction was that I was going menopausal (especially having a couple of 21- and 22- day cycles), but I think it was a temporary adjustment.
Now my only worry is that I won't have enough viable eggs left (just turned 42). However, my mother had lots of kids late (last one at 42) and my father's mother had kids late, too--though I don't know how old she was with her last one.
Well, okay, my other worry is that we will have another baby and I will never, ever be allowed to sleep again, considering the sleep issues we already have had (and are still having) with the current one. Geez.
Now's just the 12-day postluteal wait again.