Sunday, September 05, 2010

What Kind of Jokers Are These Gods, Anyway?

It took us about 36 hours to get our heads around the possibility of a
baby and rustily reverse our feelings 160° to where we were actually
feeling hopeful instead of resentful. However, tests continued to
display light test lines, despite trying different brands, which made
me insane all week with suspense. So I was sad and disappointed but
not terrifically surprised when after a week the line was actually
fainter, and that afternoon I started having some bleeding. On the
other hand, I am relieved that it did not take 3 months this time. At
least I'm unlikely to pass out and break any limbs this time.
Therefore I'm not having a great weekend, but I probably won't be
traumatized for months on end like last time.

Wednesday, September 01, 2010

Unable to Be Optimistic

So after our original freakout, and my subsequent day spent moping
about my dashed career future, we had a decent night's sleep and both
felt better about the whole baby thing the following day. And it
certainly gives me a motivating deadline to work against for a number
of activities. But now I can't even get very excited about the
possibility of a new baby due to my worries about another miscarriage.

And it's not random worry: every p-test I've taken (including this
morning) has had a super-faint test line, meaning low HcG levels
(which usually means not a stable pregnancy). Every test with
Limelet--and even the last pregnancy--had good strong test lines. I'm
17 DPO now, so it seems to me it should be getting darker, as HcG
levels are supposed to double every few days in the first weeks.

In a few days I'll try a different brand, as I've seen a few
complaints online about the faint lines of the First Response brand,
which is what I mostly used this week. Well, the very first one was a
store brand, but I wasn't surprised that one was faint as it was only
the second missed day. Ironically the store brand (CVS) looks to have
pretty high ratings; higher than First Response.

If I am going to miscarry, I'm sure as heck not going to allow another
D&C like last time, unless there actually is bleeding that won't stop.
Which was not the case.

I see that I never did write about that whole part of the
unpleasantness. Perhaps I will, but not now.