Sunday, August 29, 2010

The Gods Are Laughing. As Always.

It's been a year, and I've continued to track my cycles. This makes nearly two and a half years that we've been hoping for the second one (including the whole miscarriage episode).

But since about January, I've been feeling increasingly ambivalent about having a second one. More so each month. As Limelet gets older, we've begun to see the light at the end of the baby-rearing tunnel, and it's been good. More nights of nearly sleeping through, greater freedom to return to things in my own personal life rather than just the Mama part of my life, and so forth.

So after this last cycle I brought this up with TheLimey during a park outing, and we seem to be in accord. Neither of us felt ready to commit to stopping trying completely--we both feel we'd regret it if we didn't give it a try--but both of us have been feeling some relief at not having a baby around and all that entails. Especially given the accounts of some friends with new babies recently. We'd like to get going on everything else in life, too.

I knew, knew, knew what this discussion meant: it meant that we were about to see a positive pregnancy test.

Which, of course, happened this morning. Can you see why we've become so superstitious?

It's still very faint, but I tested several days earlier than I did with Limelet. And I can't remember with the second pregnancy, but I'm sure it was darker. So, I've no idea how to feel about this. I really don't want another three-month pregnancy that ends in miscarriage. If the faintness of the line indicates low HcG levels and a pregnancy that won't "take," then I'd rather it end, like, this week instead of in late November or so.

Hopefully this time I can at least avoid breaking any limbs, right?

(God, now I've asked for it, haven't I?)