Catching Up

Since the last post, I have physically been feeling a lot better. Thank goodness.

I think I was really starting to get pretty depressed what with being physically ill, exhausted, housebound and lonely, and having every task in my life pile up for months. (I think my condition was also starting to get to my husband, though he felt very guilty for one day when he was less than his usual supportive self.) It also didn't help that it was miserably cold outside the entire time, to the point where it was too much energy to even get dressed to go outside for a brief walk.

I am at the stage where people aren't sure if I am pregnant or just gaining weight (only in my belly?) but some are beginning to ask--such as some people at the conference who haven't seen me since last year's conference. However, I still haven't gained any weight--in fact, I lost two more pounds since last midwife visit. I am sure I will start making up for it soon.

I have for no logical reason become convinced that the baby is a boy--I may have already mentioned this. However, we're prepared for whichever. I am still experiencing kicking, though I will be glad when it's a more definite sensation.

We got to hear the heartbeat on the Doppler last week, which was a swishing sound about twice as fast as my own swishing sound. The midwife had to chase the baby around as [s]he was apparently swimming around like crazy and being evasive, but we did get to hear it. We also heard a number of thumps, which the midwife explained were actually kicks!

I have to make an appointment soon for the bigtime serious ultrasound at an official ultrasound place. This is the diagnostic, detailed one where they may be able to tell which sex the baby is. We are considering asking them to overlook that part unless it's a pain to avoid noticing it.

Actually, I think I am still experiencing some depression. I think a lot of it is the isolation. Especially now that I live in Smalltown instead of Small Collegetown. Not only do I not really know people here, but the town itself has a weird, transitory vibe, like some place that you pass through. Only. Like the feeling when you're staying at a hotel, but town-wide.

There's no park within walking distance, and the one park I can think of isn't much of a "taking-a-walk" kind of park, anyway. More of a "picnic next to the main drag" kind of park. And the main drag is also a highway, which adds to the feeling of everyone being on their way to somewhere else. In fact, both main drags that cross one another at the center of town are highways. It's the kind of town where a kid can't walk to school, because the school is a massive building at the edge of town, accessible only by vehicle (on the main highway, of course.) It seems every neighborhood is either right next to the highway or a completely neglected-feeling rundown backwater.

We will most likely be staying here for the baby's first year. I better sign up for some Mommy and Me activities or something, as I won't have even the amount of contact I've lately had with my academic colleagues, and will be at high risk for postpartum depression (considering various factors). However--and I feel guilty and elitist about thinking this--I am afraid that I will go nuts with loneliness and annoyance having only acquaintances who are from the local-mothers population.

I think I got this idea from my exposure to some pregnancy listservs I joined. Everyone seems to use this AOL kind of dumb lingo, and just....I don't know. Really adolescent giggly conversations and ways of expressing themselves (Using the term "BD" as a verb meaning to have intercourse--it stands for "Baby Dance". Barf!) I am also on some other listservs like PhD mothers and Feminist Psych mothers. But I have a feeling that there aren't going to be a lot of those people in whatever real-world social group I may find. I think I am just having trouble as I enter this social role transition from student to married mum.

I still feel somewhat tired, but much less so than before. I do still wake up in the middle of the night a lot, which doesn't help. And I think that my two months of being a complete slug has liquefied most of my muscles. I am trying to get out and start walking again. The recent conference was at a hotel near a nice wetland wildlife preserve/park with a trail where I used to go walking when I lived in Small Collegetown. I really looked forward to getting out there and walking last weekend, and it was very nice. However, here at home, it sounds like a drag to go out and walk. Walk where? By some people's rundown houses? Or down to the main drag? Bleh.