hCG+

What Kind of Jokers Are These Gods, Anyway?

2010-09-05T21:39:00.000-04:00

It took us about 36 hours to get our heads around the possibility of a
baby and rustily reverse our feelings 160° to where we were actually
feeling hopeful instead of resentful. However, tests continued to
display light test lines, despite trying different brands, which made
me insane all week with suspense. So I was sad and disappointed but
not terrifically surprised when after a week the line was actually
fainter, and that afternoon I started having some bleeding. On the
other hand, I am relieved that it did not take 3 months this time. At
least I'm unlikely to pass out and break any limbs this time.
Therefore I'm not having a great weekend, but I probably won't be
traumatized for months on end like last time.

Unable to Be Optimistic

2010-09-01T09:26:00.000-04:00

So after our original freakout, and my subsequent day spent moping
about my dashed career future, we had a decent night's sleep and both
felt better about the whole baby thing the following day. And it
certainly gives me a motivating deadline to work against for a number
of activities. But now I can't even get very excited about the
possibility of a new baby due to my worries about another miscarriage.

And it's not random worry: every p-test I've taken (including this
morning) has had a super-faint test line, meaning low HcG levels
(which usually means not a stable pregnancy). Every test with
Limelet--and even the last pregnancy--had good strong test lines. I'm
17 DPO now, so it seems to me it should be getting darker, as HcG
levels are supposed to double every few days in the first weeks.

In a few days I'll try a different brand, as I've seen a few
complaints online about the faint lines of the First Response brand,
which is what I mostly used this week. Well, the very first one was a
store brand, but I wasn't surprised that one was faint as it was only
the second missed day. Ironically the store brand (CVS) looks to have
pretty high ratings; higher than First Response.

If I am going to miscarry, I'm sure as heck not going to allow another
D&C like last time, unless there actually is bleeding that won't stop.
Which was not the case.

I see that I never did write about that whole part of the
unpleasantness. Perhaps I will, but not now.

The Gods Are Laughing. As Always.

2010-08-29T18:45:00.001-04:00

It's been a year, and I've continued to track my cycles. This makes nearly two and a half years that we've been hoping for the second one (including the whole miscarriage episode).

But since about January, I've been feeling increasingly ambivalent about having a second one. More so each month. As Limelet gets older, we've begun to see the light at the end of the baby-rearing tunnel, and it's been good. More nights of nearly sleeping through, greater freedom to return to things in my own personal life rather than just the Mama part of my life, and so forth.

So after this last cycle I brought this up with TheLimey during a park outing, and we seem to be in accord. Neither of us felt ready to commit to stopping trying completely--we both feel we'd regret it if we didn't give it a try--but both of us have been feeling some relief at not having a baby around and all that entails. Especially given the accounts of some friends with new babies recently. We'd like to get going on everything else in life, too.

I knew, knew, knew what this discussion meant: it meant that we were about to see a positive pregnancy test.

Which, of course, happened this morning. Can you see why we've become so superstitious?

It's still very faint, but I tested several days earlier than I did with Limelet. And I can't remember with the second pregnancy, but I'm sure it was darker. So, I've no idea how to feel about this. I really don't want another three-month pregnancy that ends in miscarriage. If the faintness of the line indicates low HcG levels and a pregnancy that won't "take," then I'd rather it end, like, this week instead of in late November or so.

Hopefully this time I can at least avoid breaking any limbs, right?

(God, now I've asked for it, haven't I?)

Nothing After All

2010-02-12T15:57:00.000-05:00

Was just getting too anxious waiting yesterday and requested husband to bring home some tests. I got a negative, and finally had the evidence this morning. We were both pretty disappointed last night, but better last night than being excited all night until today.

So apparently my luteal phase has been a day longer the past two months now. Odd. Of course, it was longer back in the day before I got pregnant with Limelet. Now I know to account for that in my calculations for next month, too.

Crud.

Waiting

2010-02-11T12:46:00.001-05:00

Waiting to see if today ends with pregnancy or otherwise. Should be today, but there's still time left in the day. I can't test as I usually do when impatient because I can't get out to buy a test due to the snow situation. Well, I'll just have to be patient, I guess. Or wait impatiently, alternatively.

Last month I thought that my luteal phase lasted a day longer than usual (for me) but in retrospect I think I anticipated ovulation a day early. My results on those o-tests start getting dark several days beforehand, and sometimes the "day before" is very close in appearance to the "day of." So this month I was very careful in not counting it until the test line was definitely as dark as the control line.

Anyway, impatiently waiting to see if anything happens today. I wish I had a test so I could just know without waiting!

Once Again

2010-01-06T11:44:00.003-05:00

This month, doing same regimen as before except increased isoflavone mgs to 160. There was so much going on here at home on day 4 (holidays and so forth) that I wasn't sure if I took them that morning or not, which is unusual for me. But at any rate, it's not like I'm not ovulating anyway--I'm just trying to "enhance" it.
Ovulation went to day 15 this cycle; it had been day 13 the past couple times. My cycles got really short for a few months right after the miscarriage. My first reaction was that I was going menopausal (especially having a couple of 21- and 22- day cycles), but I think it was a temporary adjustment.
Now my only worry is that I won't have enough viable eggs left (just turned 42). However, my mother had lots of kids late (last one at 42) and my father's mother had kids late, too--though I don't know how old she was with her last one.
Well, okay, my other worry is that we will have another baby and I will never, ever be allowed to sleep again, considering the sleep issues we already have had (and are still having) with the current one. Geez.
Now's just the 12-day postluteal wait again.

TTC

2009-12-10T16:29:00.001-05:00

So, not HCG+ at this point, but hoping to be. I didn't want this to become a TTC blog, but that's what's happening in that department, so there it is. But I swear I will NOT use cutesy crap jargon like "BD" ("baby dance") to mean sex, nor "BFP" ("big fat positive") to mean positive pregnancy test...ick. Yuck. I may use jargon of my own devising, though I hope it won't be cutesy. Bleh!

I picture ovulation at this point as my stopping by a store that closes at 5, at 4:45pm. Also, the coupon I have expires today, so I can't come back tomorrow. The lady behind the counter--for some reason--is only allowed to bring down ONE egg package from the upstairs storage at a time, and a lot of them are not usable. But there's no way to know which ones until we open the complicated packaging each time.

I did consider going to a fertility specialist. After looking into the possible interventions and a lot of reflection, I realized that there was only one procedure I would even consider, which would be taking something (probably Clomid) to increase ovulation. Get that counter lady to hurry up and bring down several packages at once. I'm just not feeling very into medical intervention stuff after last summer.

I read a number of things about using soy isoflavones as a "natural" (whatever that really means) Clomid-type ovulation stimulator, so that's what I'm going for.

So here's my "regimen." I'm not a doctor--or rather, I am, but I'm not a physician--so check with yours before you try anything crazy. I'm not doing everything I found, but a few select ones.

Soy isoflavones, 120mg, cycle days 3-7. (ovulation stimulation)
Baby aspirin (81mg) daily after period stops until 1 week after positive pregnancy test or until menstruation. (builds uterine lining)
Evening primrose oil as per package instructions, day of positive ovulation test (aids cervical mucus production)
Guafenisin syrup as package instruction, day of positive O (thins mucus to aid sperm travels) -- I was actually using this for a cold when we conceived my son, and didn't know that people use it for that purpose
Multivitamins, of course.

The soy appears to have done some stimulation or other, as the line on the ovulation test this month is much darker than usual. We'll see.

More Tests

2009-08-11T10:04:00.001-04:00

I have an appointment for an ultrasound in a couple of hours. Basically, they want to make sure that everything's out. I really don't want to go, and not just because of the hassle of traveling with a broken leg. I don't want people intruding on my private grief with medical interventions and monitors and instruments and writing it all down in their records. I'm irrationally angry at the OB-GYN practice overall. Maybe if I'd had a great experience with that midwife, I wouldn't feel that way. I almost feel like she cursed me or something! (I know this is not the case--I just feel resentful at her.) Anyway, I don't want to go today, and they sure as heck better not tell me that they have to do a D&E anyway. And I'm sick of this stupid cast already.

Stupid everything.

Empty Subject Line

2009-08-10T15:02:00.003-04:00

I guess I'm not done writing about this. I don't really feel like talking about it much right now, however.

Exactly a week ago I sat in the chair in which I currently sit, telling my husband that I had been feeling better for several days. In fact, it was the best I'd been feeling, I said, in probably four years! A little time off of work for once in my life, getting to the second trimester, my bronchitis fading, etc. I had big plans for starting to re-weave a lot of trailing ends of our lives.

In fact I had enough energy to take a shower, finally get a nut for the broken manual mower so I could make a start on that lawn, and spend a few hours doing bills and online stuff. Heck, I didn't even need a nap! Then I had a few hours left before everyone got home. I was heading downstairs to finally tidy up the place (for once) and make dinner.

That's when I stopped for a bathroom break and discovered I was bleeding.

My first feeling was simply cold terror. I was shaking when I called TheLimey and told him that I was bleeding, and I was scared. As we went through the process of calling the doctor, making an emergency appointment, asking someone to watch Limelet, etc., it became more a sense of fatalistic sorrow. It seemed like I knew the minute I first saw the blood that this was going to be the end. I wept and begged the little life to stay with me, and promised to by more attentive to it than I had been. As if the problem had been that force of my will was what sustained it, and I hadn't been focused enough.

I did still feel a twinge of desperate hope just because no one would definitively say that I was miscarrying. I wished we could have the the ultrasound that night, but was not surprised that nothing was available until the next day. But as the evening progressed and the bleeding increased and became redder, the hope disappeared. And by 1am I knew for certain that was that 7:30am ultrasound would show nothing good. It was a great comfort lying snug between my husband and son, but I knew the morning would be a sad one. I slept only a few hours that night.

We brought Limelet with us to the hospital for my tests, simply because it was too short notice to arrange child care for so early in the morning. I think we also sort of wanted to huddle our tribe together for warmth. TheLimey stayed in the waiting area with him as I went to have the ultrasound.

This was completely different than any previous ultrasound. It was so awful lying there knowing the tech was examining images of something dead instead of the bouncy little fetus we saw with Limelet. I went to the bathroom and sobbed between sets of ultrasound. It didn't matter to me that the tech couldn't tell me anything, because I already knew. We went back the the OB-GYN to discuss the results and I dully followed the usual routine, blood pressure, etc. At least they didn't weigh me yet again.

The doctor was kindly, and I tried to be polite and not too sullen with her, but she couldn't tell me much I didn't already know at that point. I mainly wanted to know how much bleeding would be considered too much, and some other practical things. She wanted to make sure that I would return for aftercare, since I rejected the D&E, at least initially. I felt a little bit like she wished I would just have the D&E and get it over with, but I was really not interested in doing that unless I absolutely had to. I asked about canceling my prenatal appointments, and she wrote it on my exit slip. "Cancel prenatal appointments." It was right there with the office code for miscarriage. In quite large print.

The receptionist took the slip and entered something into her terminal, muttering to herself in a perky tone of voice, "So, cancel, the uh..." and then asked with apparent puzzlement, "So, you won't be coming in for your first trimester screen Friday?" I could have smacked her for being so dense and insensitive but settled for just saying "No."

We got breakfast at the McDonald's drive-through and ate it at home. Both of us kept hugging and patting and stroking Limelet and reiterating to one another how grateful we were to have him. Then TheLimey took him to day care. I was relieved that at least Limelet would have a sort of normal routine for the day, with people he likes, who weren't miserable.

TheLimey was initially going to take a nap and then get back to work, but soon saw that that wouldn't work for either of us. We took a nap (a shocking three hours, nearly), and then a walk together around the neighborhood. It was a lovely afternoon. We got coffee, since now I can have coffee. Afterwards we picked up Limelet and played with him in the back yard.

I felt disoriented and melancholy. I only hoped that the miscarriage itself wouldn't be too many days away, and that I wouldn't require surgical intervention. I was supposed to call after it occurred for another ultrasound to make sure there was no remaining tissue. I hoped to spend some time over the following weeks walking around town, being outdoors, driving around the countryside, going to the library, and so forth. I could begin to keep house and take some of the load off TheLimey. I knew at some point I had to start thinking about work, but couldn't even approach that topic yet. Too many complications.

I felt alternately okay but sad, and just plain sad, bursting out crying every time something reminded me of my, our, hopes. The maternity blouses, the baby carrier, the groceries I bought with prenatal requirements in mind. I felt stupid for having got them, like buying presents for someone just before they break up with you.

That afternoon I told my body that it was okay to start again. I felt like I had stopped the progress the previous day by being scared and, I guess, overtly asking it to stop. If I'd had any sense, I'd have waited until the morning when I'd had some sleep to give the go-ahead. But perhaps it would have happened as it did regardless.

I've already detailed the process in my last post. While it was occurring, I didn't have time or energy to feel sad. It was enough to get from one contraction to the next, just as in birth there's no time to feel happy until it's done. I coached myself through the contractions, telling myself through each one that I could do this, I could do this.

In retrospect I find it extremely strange that we insist upon birthing mothers having attendants--it's practically a law--but we're expected to miscarry alone? This is awful. It's the same painful process, but with a lot more blood, and no pretty little baby at the end. It's sad, scary, and shouldn't have to be lonely as well. After an hour, the contractions got worse (as I described), and it actually felt like transition. Perhaps it was. If I'd had someone with me, I probably wouldn't have broken my foot when I fell. If I ever have a friend who's going to miscarry, I'm offering to stay with her.

Because of my broken foot and the need to get that taken care of the following day, TheLimey had to take even more time off work. We were both stressed and exhausted, and I was so disappointed about so many things at once that my mind could barely even function. Let alone process the trauma of the previous night.

This broken foot meant that I couldn't spend the next weeks and months just getting myself together and figuring out...everything. Recovering from the miscarriage. Getting the housekeeping in order, finally. Getting our lives organized. Exploring this city where I've lived for a year now. Exercising once again. Repairing my environment and myself. Taking some weight off my husband's shoulders. Instead, I'd be stuck for the rest of summer in a cast, my husband stuck with doing even more work than before, not less.

The miscarriage feels tragic, but the broken foot feels like a personal insult.

This article is pretty right, although I'm not a "mother without child." I do wonder what the hell it is about our culture that makes this something to--as the author describes--hide and soldier through and clean up. The hell with that. Yet another thing for us to pretend doesn't hurt.

A Frank Account of Natural Miscarriage at 11-1/2 Weeks

2009-08-06T17:10:00.002-04:00

WARNING: This is a graphic account of my personal experience of a natural (i.e. non-surgical) miscarriage. Do not read it if you feel uncomfortable reading about biological events, blood, or pain. Also don't read it if you are having a normal, healthy pregnancy because you will worry unduly. Go look at Babies-R-Us or something fun.

I have had the miscarriage naturally as was my first inclination. Even if they had scheduled me for the D&E the next day as they wanted, it would have been too late as it occurred the night after the ultrasound. I didn't really get a chance to look up information about it that evening, but I pretty much knew how it would happen.

I had bleeding and mild cramping during the day, which became increasingly stronger and closer contractions from about 10pm to midnight (any kind of labor just has to happen when you need to sleep instead of when you're rested, right?) I had taken two Advil but don't think they really did much. While lying down I did some pelvic tilts as that was something that actually helped when I was in labor with Limelet. I asked TheLimey to take over watching the sleeping Limelet, as he (Limelet) was sure to freak out if he awoke and realized I was not where I usually am, and got up from bed.

I went into the bathroom and almost immediately passed some tissue. Although the doctor had warned me that sometimes people are able to identify parts of fetal remains, I never saw anything like that. Just what appeared to be various blood clots. This is probably a mercy. I spent another hour having strong and painful contractions maybe every 30 seconds or so. I used pelvic tilts and some pushing to help diminish the pain, with moderate results. It got so I could tell when the pain would diminish because I would hear a little trickle of blood at the peak of each contraction. I felt grateful that no one had yet moved in to the townhouse on that side, as they probably would have thought someone was being tortured over here, once a minute or so. (I guess in a way, I was.) My sense of time was very similar to being in labor, but I had a clock right next to my head so I did actually know how long it all was. In between contractions I would read a few lines of of a novel.

At 1am the contractions started getting stronger, closer together, and more painful, though I had expected the opposite. I could also hear that Limelet had woken up and was crying and screaming for me, which was very distressing to me, but it couldn't be helped. I started feeling very faint and sweaty, and tried to put my head down as far towards my lap as I could in order to keep my blood pressure up. However, after all that blood loss it was not enough, and I did faint, and fell onto the floor.

I don't know how long I was out. Probably not too long. I was actually having a pleasant dream and did not want to wake up. What awoke me was pain in my ankle, which was twisted into an awkward position. I managed to wake up enough to move it--it still hurt--and then I simply lay on the floor for a while with my face pressed against the cool tiles. The contractions did begin to abate slightly at that point, thank goodness, though they were still quite painful. I found my book and used it for a pillow.

After a while I was able to get up again. Well, as far as the fainting went, anyway. I couldn't stand on my right ankle.The bleeding had slowed and was no longer trickling out with each contraction. I washed my face and hands and drank some water. I got an overnight pad and returned to the bedroom (I had to crawl), where Limelet had quieted down and was starting to nod off with Daddy. Though normally I don't nurse him at night, I decided to make an exception this time. I thought that if nursing after birth helps to stop bleeding, then nursing after miscarriage might do the same. It's the same process, after all. (Yes, I'm one of those hippie types still nursing a toddler! And man has it ever turned out to be useful a lot of times.)

I knew my soccer-coach husband would take care of my ankle. He propped it up and wrapped it in an ankle-shaped ice thing that he keeps in the freezer. I sat up and held Limelet because I my ankle was propped up, and was still having too painful of contractions to sleep anyway. I probably dozed for a few hours that night. The contractions slowed greatly during the rest of the night.

The next morning I discovered that I could still not walk on my ankle, and after a day spent at various doctors and labs it turned out to be broken. So there's a risk you don't hear of.

Bad News

2009-08-04T14:25:00.001-04:00

I began bleeding yesterday and had an exam that evening, then was scheduled for an ultrasound at 7:30 this morning. I knew it was bad even before they started, and I was right. The pregnancy is lost, although I have't completed the miscarriage yet. The development stopped at about 9 weeks (or 7). It's not going to be fun, that much I know. I may end up deciding to do a D&E, but I have to look up the info first. I don't like surgery, either.

Prenatal

2009-07-29T16:49:00.003-04:00

Had my first prenatal visit today, which was not actually an official prenatal visit but rather a "pregnancy confirmation" visit. To make sure I'm not just really mistaken, I guess. I've only gained 4 pounds, which I found surprising. I feel like I've gained about 10.

I was happy to get a midwife instead of a physician, but I think she was a certified nurse-midwife. At any rate, while she was very thorough and competent and all that, I felt like there was a bit of a power struggle there. I felt like she was trying to out-expert me, when I wasn't even aware we were racing, if you know what I mean. It was a really different vibe there than at the place I went for my last pregnancy, which I felt was very empowering. (If you think that's too flaky a thing to say, then you haven't been in an office where they treat you like egg-laying chicken #568d.)

Anyway, she tried to convince me to switch to skim milk, and finally said we'd watch my weight to see how it went (alarm #1--not encouraging me to trust my own body, and also focusing on food restriction). Then, knowing full well that I'm a psychologist, she gave me a list of serotonin -increasing items--I wondered if it was going to be a list of some kind of herbs or supplements or something--that consisted of things like "sunshine, sex, chocolate, exercise." Um, I already know quite well how to suck eggs here, lady. I only mentioned that I get prenatal depression to give you an accurate clinical picture, not because I had absolutely no idea that laughter and prayer improve one's mood. And then there was the thing about fish and the thing about the due date...sigh. Basically, she was correcting me about things that were ambiguous and ignoring things she didn't understand, giving me the impression of someone who really wanted to make sure I believed her version of my pregnancy by barraging me with facts, or at least factoids.

Anyway, I got a much more interventionist kind of feeling than from my previous place, where I think I had a plain ol' midwife, not a nurse-midwife. There's a difference.

I'm also 41 this time instead of 38, which will probably trigger all kinds of anxieties in health care practitioners. ("Liability!" "Gestational diabetes!" "Down's Syndrome!")

I wonder who these Amish women around here use? Probably other Amish women who are midwives. Huh.

Anyway, I'm trying to get in touch with the local Bradley instructors. Maybe they'll have some ideas.

Huh. Interesting. 8 Weeks or So. Maybe 9. Depending.

2009-07-15T10:58:00.001-04:00

I had been feeling somewhat icky last week, culminating in feeling quite awful Monday such that I was soddenly depressed, nauseated, and exhausted (slept three hours). I kept having a sneaking suspicion that this was not so much to do with pregnancy, but that I was simply depressed because I have little structure to my days, have completed my main goals for the past 15 years with no new ones, and have no friends in this town yet. Depression is so hard to figure out sometimes, because it's often so physically expressed.

However, the following day (yesterday), I awoke feeling much better. After dropping off Limelet, I tidied up the living room and did a few other things, errands and so forth, that I simply couldn't do the day before. By afternoon, what I noticed was that my belly was noticeably larger. Like, overnight. It wasn't just me thinking that, either. TheLimey came home and was somewhat shocked by my transition from looking a bit stout about the waist to looking overtly pregnant. "Wow! You really are pregnant." Uh, yeah. (The thought of twins briefly crossed both our minds.)

I totally forgot that last time, during growth spurts (whether the baby itself or the support systems)--who knows, I would feel really horrible for a day, a few days, a week--and then there'd be this jump in size. This was probably the biggest jump I've seen, probably because it went from smallish to begin with. (Once I'm already big, the jump would have to be huge to be as noticeable.) It makes me feel a lot better to recognize that the mood stuff is largely hormonal, and is accomplishing something. Next time I hope I can recognize it and give myself permission to take the day "off" as it were, so I don't add so much guilt to the pile of crappy feeling.

I don't have the constant peeing like last time, although I do awake in the middle of the night needing to go. But last time the peeing started before I even knew I was pregnant. I'm a little more thirsty, but not as much as last time. Yet. The blood volume increase should probably start soon. Oh, and then I'll probably be tired all the time for a while, because it takes a while for your iron to catch up with your new blood volume.

I've told TheLimey that I believe this one is a boy, too. I started having that feeling around the same time with Limelet. I don't know if I'll try to not find out this time. I was really intent on not finding out last time, but don't care as much this time. However, I still kind of want to not tell others, for some reason. Maybe to avoid getting football-versus-princess-themed comments or gifts. (Not that I need any gifts.)

Generally. (Week 7 or 9 Depending)

2009-07-13T10:04:00.001-04:00

That is, depending whether one counts accurately or in that estimatey way that annoys me unreasonably.

Still not feeling as bad as last time. Not nearly. I'm certain this is at least partly because I weigh more this time. Also contributing may be the fact that I'm not struggling to work my behind off through the pregnancy tiredness as I had to last time. I am still tired most of the time and have near-nausea at times, though so far the high-protein thing seems to stave off anything more serious.

The weirdest things seem to trigger my almost-nausea: for example, the smell of baking bread (which normally is one of my favorite smells), even though diesel and latex paint still smell nice to me. Being on the computer, watching a video, or reading are also somewhat nauseous for me.

I do crave lime pickle again (Mother's brand), which is terrible because I can't find a source here. So far. May have to find it online or something.

I'm at that stage where I just look fat and blobby around the middle, rather than pregnant. Wearing a maternity top does make me look slimmer and more pregnant, however. But my old ones are packed away, of course, never to be used again. Sniff.

I definitely get depressed from being pregnant, although it's often hard to sort that out from various life events. But it's a sort of sodden and miserably unmotivated feeling. It's more intense when the nausea is higher. Also, I used to get depressed on the pill (the first one I took), suggesting to me that a lot of it is in fact hormonal.

Must get going on signing up for birth classes, finding a midwife, etc. Bleh.

It's Never The Same: 5 Weeks

2009-07-01T12:31:00.001-04:00

I'm having a very different experience this time, as I may have already mentioned.

For one thing, last time I suddenly became ravenous pretty much as soon as that little zygote implanted, even before I knew. And I craved meat particularly. This time, I'm only just now getting around to feeling a bit more hungry than usual, and I'm five weeks along. (Or, if I'm forced to use the eye-rollingly inaccurate method of counting from last menstrual period, when no fertilization had even taken place yet, I'm 7 weeks along.) I think this is because I'm about 20 pounds heavier than I was then, and my body knew it had to make up extra weight quick in order to support another life than my own. I am, however, starting to wake up sharply hungry at 3 or 4 am. I'm going to start keeping some string cheese and V8 by the bed each night, as that helped last time.

I'm also not feeling miserably ill like last time. I have had one bout of headachey nausea (it feels like a hangover or migraine). I have been working on getting protein regularly throughout the day, and if I start feeling queasy in the slightest, as that's supposed to work a lot better than starches or sugars. So far it has, unless I'm just not so sick this time, or just haven't gotten to it yet. I am hoping that the hi-pro diet can stave it off entirely, as I just don't like being debilitated.

Here We Go Again!

2009-06-23T11:07:00.002-04:00

I'm about 4 weeks along; due in February. It doesn't seem as real as last time, for some reason. I think partly because I already have one child to occupy so much of my attention. I'm not barfing yet. Maybe I can stave it off to some extent this time, or maybe I'm fooling myself. This is definitely the last one! (Assuming all goes well.) Thank goodness that I finished that demanding postdoc position before this happened. It seems so odd that the little critter is only the size of a nail paring. I'm more aware of that this time.

Anyway, more later.

Postpartum

2006-11-16T12:28:00.000-05:00

I know I have to write my labor story, but it's been a bit hectic. The care of a tiny infant precludes writing about much (including the care of a tiny infant).

So at some point I'll come back here and write my labor story, but meanwhile here's my new blog in the series, as I am no longer...

hCG+!

Nursling

2006-10-20T11:52:00.000-04:00

Nursling
Originally uploaded by doctorlizardo.

Now! Without plush cat toy.

Oliver Twist

2006-10-20T11:51:00.000-04:00

Oliver Twist
Originally uploaded by doctorlizardo.

"Please Mum, may I have some more?"

He often nurses like this--as if he's a little milk desperado who hasn't been fed for--oh, ten minutes at least.

39 1/2 weeks

2006-09-22T12:06:00.000-04:00

39 1/2 weeks
Originally uploaded by doctorlizardo.

A few hours after my water broke; going to the hospital. I had to get one last pic of The Belly, though.

Newborn Limelet

2006-09-22T11:21:00.000-04:00

Newborn Limelet
Originally uploaded by doctorlizardo.

Not sure which of us is more relieved he's out!

Limelet & Daddy Day 1

2006-09-22T11:20:00.002-04:00

Limelet & Daddy Day 1
Originally uploaded by doctorlizardo.

Limelet & Daddy

2006-09-22T11:20:00.001-04:00

Limelet & Daddy
Originally uploaded by doctorlizardo.

Mum's Eye View

2006-09-22T11:20:00.000-04:00

Mum's Eye View
Originally uploaded by doctorlizardo.

Dontbite dontbite dontbite!

Tuckered

2006-09-22T11:19:00.000-04:00

Tuckered
Originally uploaded by doctorlizardo.

Baby Limelet

2006-09-22T11:18:00.002-04:00

Baby Limelet
Originally uploaded by doctorlizardo.

Limelet 2

2006-09-22T11:18:00.001-04:00

Limelet 2
Originally uploaded by doctorlizardo.

The Limelet

2006-09-22T11:18:00.000-04:00

Limelet
Originally uploaded by doctorlizardo.

It's Official [duplicate post]

2006-09-17T18:24:00.000-04:00

In classic sitcom style, several hours ago, my water broke in public. However, it was at a pumpkin and cider place, not the grocery store. However, I was determined to get my dang cider and donuts that I had been wanting all week, so I counted on people tending not to look at one's groinal area too closely and bought them anyway. (There was also the giant-belly camouflage factor.) However, it did pretty much look like I had just wet my pants terribly.

So, any further news is likely up to Argot, as I am going to go to the bedroom and work on getting this baby out.

Watermelon Season

2006-09-16T19:16:00.000-04:00

I finally got a nursing bra that actually fits. Who ever imagined I'd wear a 38c in anything? Not me, that's who. I avoided the underwires, as they can contribute to getting mastitis. I tend to have a lot of tissue that extends under my arms, which I think makes that effect even more...bad. Worser. Y'know.

My bellybutton has now not only disappeared, but has grown a tiny little pointy area there, like at the non-stem end of an apricot, only smaller. So I guess this means The Belly is still growing.

Having alternate fits of lots of energy and sudden nap attacks, which may be anywhere from half an hour to three hours.

I think I will after all miss some parts of pregnancy as so many have described. Is it just because everyone's nice to me? Being pregnant seems to have many of the social aspects of being terribly ill, as people try to be helpful and protective and solicitous. However, it lacks the withdrawal and social discomfort of others that accompany a terrible illness. I guess most of those who are bitter about childbearing just keep silent. Except for maybe that one terribly offended lady in the grocery store.

I think I will also miss the feeling of having the baby so safe and enclosed and taken care of. I like waking up in the morning and being able to feel the little head swiveling sleepily near my left hip and the little hands fussing about my right hip. It makes me feel like everything is okay with everything.

Alright Already! [duplicate post]

2006-09-16T15:23:00.000-04:00

I admit it.

Now that I've had one "scare" and gotten all ready to go, I am getting a bit impatient. Mainly because I feel on hold now with everything. If there hadn't been the scare, then I'd probably just still be trundling along patiently. (I'm still not going to try to do things to "start" it, though.)

Yet More...

2006-09-14T23:21:00.000-04:00

I think this one displays the embiggenment at a more rakish angle. (Like a water balloon about to pop into the sink.)

Holding Pattern

2006-09-14T11:15:00.000-04:00

Doesn't this look comfortable?! Lookit those veins.

Well, it all kinda petered out for Monday and Tuesday, though it came back last night and this morning. We'll see. Now that I have things mostly ready, I feel less panicked. It can take its time as far as I'm concerned.

Also, TheLimey re-injured his ankle last night playing football-not-meatball, so now he's limping around terribly. So now I'm actually the more able to walk and carry things, of the two of us. This would be very inconvenient as far as if I had to go in, say, tonight. How could he pack the car, or support me through a contraction, or walk me up and down the halls? It better heal fast, is all I have to say! He's also had a bit of a sore throat lately, so I've been dosing him with lactobacillus.

I hear that it's not terribly uncommon for men to get appendicitis when their wives are in labor. I imagine that this also extends to other injuries and illnesses to some extent, for whatever stress/unconscious reasons.

I went to a La Leche League meeting yesterday, and brought my visiting aunt/doula with me. I didn't know before that she not only was a member of LLL herself 30-odd years ago, but had trained to be a leader before they had to move out of town. So I guess you could say I have a lactation consultant on call. The women there ended up asking her a lot of questions. I also didn't know that my grandmother used a sling!

Being around all those yipping little children made the baby extremely active the entire time, and also sped up my contractions a lot. I don't know if there'll be any particular person I end up establishing a particular friendship with, but I do think that it will be a good way to get me out of the house and around other people who are doing what I'm doing, by way of increasing social support and reducing chances of post-partum depression.

However, I'm definitely going to avoid some of those especially aggressive toddlers whose mothers weren't in the slightest curbing them from running around whacking and poking and shaking all the brand-new infants! Sheesh. Especially that one toddler with her arm in a cast.

Shot of Whiskey?

2006-09-10T18:00:00.000-04:00

My herbal childbearing book says that one way to slow or stall labor is to have a shot of whiskey. TheLimey believes that this is actually meant to be given to the husband.

Now, I don't know if it's anything yet, but I've been having a whole lot more of these pre-labor (as if there's a sharp dividing line!) contractions today than any time during the past week or so. My mantra has been "But It Could Still Be Another Week or Two." (That and, "But I'm Not Ready Yet!")

I'm posting this just so that Argot can have a post to which to reply and let people know the outcome, in case I do go in [this refers to original post; this one is a duplicate just for the sake of continuity when I use this as my baby...memory...thingy]. I'm sure as heck not gonna be bloggin'. (I imagine.)

I have been trying to arrange for the traditional womenfolk relations to be around for some of this, as "the materials" say to have someone help the new mum out for three weeks. I don't know about three weeks, but maybe we can get two.

It looks like my stepmom may be able to come out for a few days, perhaps after TheLimey's week off runs out, or maybe with some overlap. Which means I can delay being alone for a while longer, which I really do want to do.

Also, I was initially thinking of having no one but the two of us for the actual birth (too crowded!)--unless Argot could get across country somehow, which she can't--but then I remembered that my aunt has had three natural births of her own. And since I have heard several women (including our birth instructor) say that there's something especially helpful about having a woman there who has gone through it herself, I am now trying to get her out here for the pre-birth segment, and maybe the birth. If it can wait until Tuesday.

Waiter! Where's my whiskey?!

Duh...(or "Derr..." depending on your accent)

2006-09-09T14:34:00.000-04:00

Finally figured out that the key to managing magnesium-induced reflux is to not take it right before bed. I was just doing that because that's when I usually take calcium, and they seem to go together nutritionally speaking. But in terms of physics, if you're going to open a drawstring bag and hope to keep the contents more or less inside it, doesn't it make sense to open in when it's in an upright position, rather than lying on its side?

Magnesium Flare-ups

2006-09-08T13:21:00.000-04:00

As I recently noted a slow creep upward of my blood pressure the last couple prenatal visits, I have begun taking magnesium supplements again to counteract it.

However, magnesium relaxes more than the placental (and other) blood vessels: it relaxes all your smooth muscles. That's great for my bronchi, and I furthermore don't even mind the change from "pretty darn constipated--ouch!" to "goes three or four times daily."

What I do mind is the relaxation of what little protection my upper GI gave me by having a closure at the top of the stomach, since now I have absolutely killer reflux simply all the time. it burns constantly, awake or asleep, and feels like I am just about to or have just finished barfing at any given time.

Bed is the worst--I think I was whimpering in my sleep, what sleep I was able to get. Since my stomach is squished down to a flat little baggie in there anyway at this point, there's basically no barrier between my stomach and my throat, particularly when I lie down. This means it's really hard to get any sleep, and I'm even tired-er during the days. I hardly got any work done at all yesterday, not even unloading the dishwasher and making the bed, let alone entering my data.

I may try to prop the top of myself up at an angle tonight. That will go just great with how I already have to prop my feet and lower legs up to reduce the swelling that occurs all during the day! And since I can't sleep on my back or my front, I'll just basically be imitating an angle-iron, sideways, all night. Sheesh.

I still want the baby to take its time: I just wish all these troublesome "symptoms" would be gone!

Just Waitin'

2006-09-07T04:44:00.000-04:00

We had our prenatal visit yesterday; they're now weekly, as I'm full-term. The results of the platelet retest turned out great (147), as did my Strep B test (negative). No antibiotic IV! No antibiotic-resistant superstrep in my baby over the next year! This time I forgot to bring the hand-mirror that I've started using when I have to give a urine sample, as there is no way to see anything that is going on down there without it, but it all worked out okay anyway.

My blood pressure was up again a bit (120/78), though not as high as that one time. This particular midwife seems unworried about eclampsia, as indeed I have normal (not superhuman) swelling despite my complaints, no weight gain (lost three pounds since last week, in fact), and my protein and sugar urine tests are negative.

So, the baby is officially ripe now, and it could be any time in the next three weeks. After taking into account the outdated 40-weeks (ten lunar months) method of counting (from early 1800s, arbitrarily established as a nice round number), and taking into account that I actually know my conception date (as opposed to guessing from last menstruation), the average primigravida pregnancy length would put the birth at the 28th. Well, we'll see. I've had a lot of contractions this past few weeks. (I mean, longer and stronger ones now than the ones that have been going since the fifth month.)

TheLimey apparently feels way more impatient about the event than I do. I think that's because I already get to play with the baby now, whereas he mostly has to take my word for it and would like a chance to squeeze it for himself. At any rate, next month he'll have his baby to squeeze.

Oh Yes, There's That...

2006-09-04T09:58:00.000-04:00

In the interest of full disclosure, I should also mention that there are some aspects of the third trimester that clearly revisit the first. It seemed at the time that when there was a brain-growth spurt, my various symptoms were at their worst, so I guess I shouldn't be surprised that some of them have been coming up again, now when the brain is starting the spurt that lasts until the critter is, what, five? So the unholy trifecta of exhaustion (daytime sleeping), insomnia, and depression came back for a few weeks. (Luckily however, no nausea!) And from what I've read, antenatal depression tends to arrive in the first and third trimesters. So, right on schedule, about 34 to 36 weeks.

The sucky thing about the depression is that it's hard to identify at the time (when you're the one inside it), and it's hard to separate from physical symptoms (depression is always physical in some aspect, anyway). I usually don't realize what's happening until either it's reached its ridiculous crescendo and is about to abate, or sometimes not until afterwards, in retrospect. Like now, I can definitely say that I had quite a bit of depression that first trimester, but at the time I just felt generally miserable in every possible way.

So it kind of crept up on me this time, until the night last week when I was sobbing and snorting over my piles of data. Then it was clear that this was an abnormal mood for me, not just an end of the normal continuum of crankiness. I'm not normally a very sobby person.

Of course, that extreme meant that it was about to break, like a fever. At least that's how it works for me; I don't know about you-all. So I feel a lot more normal the past few days. Although I've still got intermittent insomnia, I'm not fixating on life worries while roaming the house at 3:30 a.m., but eating several bowls of wheat cereal and reading Alice Hoffman novels instead: a much healthier activity.

37 Weeks. Holy Smokes!

2006-09-03T09:21:00.000-04:00

Here's one from last weekend, though the person taking the photo has a camera date that couldn't have been more wrong (unless it would have also said "B.C.E.").

Last night. So, does it look like I've dropped, to you?

This date means that this coming week, the baby will be considered "full term" (38 weeks.) Of course, there's some dithering about how they want to count the weeks: from last menstrual period (LMP)? (Terribly inexact, especially considering that I was tracking my ovulation and actually know what day conception occurred.) Days past ovulation (DPO)? Better, in my opinion, but both counting methods have their practical advantages and disadvantages.

For example, if you're not yet full-term, you can't use the birthing center and have to go over to labor and delivery instead (boo) where they do all kinds of intervention-y stuff whether or not you want it. I recently met a woman (birth instructor and chiropractor in common) who recently had her baby: she went into labor one (1!) day before full-term, so she had to go to labor and delivery anyway after all that planning.

On the other hand, they (meaning medical personnel) get skittish if the baby seems to be taking longer to ripen than the mean (or median or mode--not sure what measure of central tendency they use here) number of weeks/days, so if you go past a certain arbitrary deadline it's more and more likely you'll be induced. (Also boo.) Which is ludicrous and can be harmful unless there are specific things going wrong such as reduced amniotic fluid or weight loss in the baby. (Postdate versus postterm).

So, the upshot is that at this juncture, a few days counting one way or the other can make a huge difference simply because of standardized medical procedures. Now I don't know which date to insist on using, because I don't want to be considered "early" or "late"!

But here's my toss into the Limelet's birthday pool: hows about the 22nd, as that's 40 weeks and it's also the new moon (the conception was on the new moon)?

I have definitely been experiencing outer-toe numbness lately; also my feet feel tender and bruised on the outside edges. I assume this is because my feet are...which is it called--pronated or supinated? The outside edges of my shoes wear out first--there's just a lot more pressure on the edges due to my 50% weight gain (or whatever) and the bones are all squishy. And my sandals squish them mercilessly, when I can squeeze them on.

I had a somewhat low platelet count at last blood draw, so I recently had a new test. Results Wednesday. I feel very healthy and all that, and I'm really not worried about the outcome, except for what it could mean for my treatment. (If your count is too low, it can mean an increased chance of hemorrhage, obviously.)

The baby has been quite stretchy and pokey, especially the heels. I can separately feel the little head wiggling around, the fingers (down by my right hipbone), and the little bum sticks out like a giant bump when the baby's stretching. This is very impressive, when I can get TheLimey to look over before the stretching stops.

We now have an interactive game that we can both play with him/her. (I noticed this morning that I'm beginning to think of the baby as "he" again, but I'm not committing to anything until I see.) I can usually make the baby wake up and stretch or kick by pat-pat-patting on the feet or bum. Even Daddy can play this one. He loves seeing the actual little feet bumps kicking in direct response to his pats, though he's paranoid that the patting will somehow be harmful. Pfff. (I do it all the time, of course.)

Pat-pat-pat ... POIK...POIK-POIK! POIK!

Morse code from Beyond.

36 Weeks

2006-08-26T05:36:00.000-04:00

36 weeks is only two weeks away from being considered "full-term", although I'd certainly like a riper baby than 38 weeks if possible.

For some reason we had a People magazine (I think) rattling around here recently, and there were pix of the J*lie/P1tt crew hanging out in the sands of Namibia, being generally pregnant and/or incipiently parental.

I wanted a photo for direct comparison, so I subjected myself to the photo-taking you can see here. However, now I believe I pitched the magazine in the trash already, so there is no comparison photo. Only this one. Please keep whale comments to oneself. Also sea-cow comments.

It is indeed strange for one's body image to suddenly gain 30-odd pounds for any reason, even under the supervision of medical personnel. (See butt, below).

Please note, these photos are now two weeks old, and are therefore already somewhat out of date as far as the stickoutage of The Belly.

So let's see, what have I been experiencing regularly but not writing down?

The first things that come to mind are a lot of physical complaints: the incessant reflux (worst at night when trying to sleep), random insomnia, painful hip problems (someone recently compared me to an Irish Setter), exhaustion and absolute lack of stamina, intermittent depression, and for the past few weeks--severe cankles. If I thought this might go on indefinitely, these symptoms might distress me more, but under the circumstances they seem tolerable. I also have a lot more contractions--maybe a couple dozen a day--and some are lasting pretty long now. Gearing up for the Big Squeezathon.

The other thing is that it's much easier to see the wiggulations of the baby, as little pointy body parts move across the face of The Belly, or create a giant "wave" that warps and moves the entire bump. Usually by the time I point it out, it's stopped, so that TheLimey has only seen this a few times, though he has been greatly impressed when he has. There are still hiccups, which are often visible, but they've tapered off somewhat to maybe once daily instead of twice or three times. If I pat the little fanny-area, the baby wakes up and stretches. Hee. And, ouch.

When we were on our little weekend-vacation, there was a noticeable increase in the number of women who started conversations regarding my due date and the likely sex of the baby, and how great it is to have kids, etc. etc. (See 8/14 entry.) I couldn't figure out why the sudden chattiness. Vacation town? I seemed more relaxed or something? Largeness getting to some crucial point?

It wasn't until I wore the same outfit again (not pictured)--which features a "maternity" top that always rides up and shows The Belly--that I figured out that they're responding to the actual Belly being visible, as this outfit elicited a number of "cuteness"-type comments among acquaintances. Shameless exhibitionist that I am, I just really don't care that much (which actually is not the definition of an exhibitionist), and will wear whatever the heck is expedient. It didn't even occur to me that this might be seen as ... what ... daring, or something.

Not until a compatriot pregger in the waiting room at the midwife center commented that she wished she was as "courageous" as I was to wear stuff like that. Psychosocial meaning: it's the kind of sight that engages people's attention and emotion whether they want it to or not. Then the light went on, and I realized that for every person who thought it was "cute" or "courageous", there was probably someone else who found it "obnoxious."

Later at the supermarket this hypothesis was borne out, as a bitter-looking older woman was shooting dagger looks at me (though it's hard not to look bitter when you're shooting dagger looks.) Even when I saw her 20 minutes later across the ice cream aisle, she had not forgotten that I was her nemesis and shot me some more daggers. Well, theoretically I don't care, but it did make me feel both self-conscious and defensively angry. Like someone was shooting dagger looks at my actual baby...which in a sense, she was.

When I was last at the midwife, one of the other women from my Bradley class came out, and she was very upset. Apparently her amniotic fluid was low, and they were going to have to induce her (otherwise they'd let it go pretty much as long as the baby wanted). Induction, you don't want. Especially after taking a 12-week course in natural birth that boasts a 90% meds-free rate. In those cases, most everything you've been trying to do goes right out the window once you're induced (the contractions aren't like normal ones, once you're given pitocin for induction or augmentation.)

I actually drove out to the hospital to see her the next day, hoping to at least get to see a baby. However, she'd been there all night having various natural induction methods tried on her (castor oil, etc.), and still hadn't started. They were just about to hit her with that nasty pitocin when I arrived. Poor thing. In the end, I hear she had to have a C-section. Dang, I so want to avoid that. At least I know she has a ton of family members in the area who have been supportive, so she'll have people to help her through the post-surgery period.

Speaking of interventions...since I haven't been working on the couch belly-down all day lately, I think it's influenced the baby's position. S/he's been in a nice, nearly head-down position (maybe at the 25-minute spot, if my belly were a clock face) for maybe two months already (as determined by hiccup position and pointy feet position), about which I've been very happy. Head-down baby is good baby. But for the past three days, the head's been more at the 15-minute mark and the feet at the 45-minute mark...which is really really bad. Completely sideways baby is even worse than completely upside-down baby.

However, I had my chiro appointment yesterday, and that did seem to help pretty quickly. At the next set of hiccups, I determined that the head was already almost back where it had been. I know, I know...scientifically it doesn't work, etc. etc. But as far as efficacy (as opposed to effectiveness), it sure as heck works for me. I'm in a lot of pain and discomfort, I go in, she does crunchy stuff to my hips, and I can walk and sit again when I come out. I don't know about all this "subluxation" business, or the idea that "pinched nerves" are at the root of all mankind's evils, but as for actual musculoskeletal concerns, it does what I want it to. (And since she's had seven kids of her own using the Bradley method, I will actually listen to her suggestions.)

Finally, what's funny is this: when you're trying to squeeze past something, and you turn sideways as usual to reduce your profile--but your sideways profile is actually larger. (This is funny for other people, mind you.)

eva, one hour old

2006-08-24T14:44:00.000-04:00

eva, one hour old
Originally uploaded by didonatos.

Hey, I want a calm, smiley one like this mother's!

2.5-5.5 Weeks!

2006-08-21T10:25:00.000-04:00

Very short post, as I have too much to do right now anyway. Hopefully more later.

Increased spontaneous napping again daily for hours, as well as a simultaneous occurrence of the Melancholy, Lonesome Ugly, Good-For-Nothin' Blues for a while now. It's hard to parse out what is chemical and what is circumstantial, as is true of most depression-related feelings.

I'm incredibly swollen, not unlike a flavor-injected turkey, have completely lost my ankles, and can't fit any of my shoes at all. (No, really.) Wearing an old silver ring that I found in a liquor-store parking lot a few years back instead of my wedding ring. Can't sit in a normal sitting position due to back probs and now the swelling, too. Standing still also increases swelling. However, walking seems to help, though my endurance is pretty low. And how much of my day can I spend walking, when I have so much to do?

Baby constantly writhing and stretching these days, and has very sharp feet to poke into my ribs. Also apparently likes headbutting my cervix a great deal.

Only 3 to 6 Weeks Left!

2006-08-14T14:45:00.000-04:00

I ordered the FuzziBunz diapers today, at least the first dozen. I got them in the least gender-specific colors I could. The best deal I could find was not the place nearest us after all, but a place in Texas. Free shipping and free microterry inserts! Volume discounts! Nursing bras! (Those are coming up all too soon, too, I guess.)

I also received some other things I ordered last week, such as an old-tyme baby scale from eBay, and a toilet-attached diaper sprayer for reduced touching of poop. We still have to set up the little cradle next to the bed, though I imagine the baby will spend a considerable amount of time actually in the bed. I found several of my baby list items at a Once Upon a Child, which was wildly exciting. Nothing like spending $50 on five or so items, when just one of them would have been $50 new.

My back has been "going out" way too easily. I simply cannot sit at the computer any more, even in TheLimey's $500 ergonomic adjustable chair. I finally was feeling pretty good last Thursday and therefore sat in it for about an hour entering my data, and completely threw my back out again. This was agonizing the rest of that day (upon which I had planned to work) and for our car-trip weekend vacation.

I really can't sit down normally anywhere. In fact I'm not sitting right now; I'm kneeling on one knee and supported by a chair under the other leg, which is the only way I can do anything at the computer. It's quite ouchy too, but not as bad as the other thing. Grumble, grumble, grumble.

It takes 4-6 weeks for your cartilage and ligaments to harden up again after birth. I can't wait. (I hope they harden up in the right position!)

Several women that we met in random places (grocery store, art gallery, etc.) over the weekend volunteered a guess that we're having a boy, based on how I'm carrying. However, the research I've seen indicates that this prediction method is only good 50% of the time. Ha ha. (I pretty much didn't say this to them, though.)

I find that I mind much less than I imagined this phenomenon of being sort of public property as a pregnant woman. I'm finding it supportive rather than intrusive, overall.

On the other hand, whenever I see one of those baby programs on The Learning Channel or whatever, I feel kind of sorry for myself. All those women have experienced family and extended family, usually mothers or mothers-in-law, who step in and take care of them those first few weeks after the birth. I am still sad that my mother--the "backwoods" lay midwife--won't be delivering my baby, and that neither my nor TheLimey's mother will be able to meet their new grandbaby. S/he would have been my mom's first grandchild (though his mum's third.) Anyway, they both would have loved to have been here and seen it.

Breast Milk for Profit and a MAJOR Discovery in Neonatal Care!

2006-08-10T08:47:00.000-04:00

I sometimes just can't believe the things I hear on the news. I mean, I believe it, but I am flabbergasted that the world is doing what it is.

One of those bizarre things that makes me feel exhausted with the world is the processing and sale of donated breastmilk for profit, now due to become widespread. The reason I included the second link is that it makes more clear the fact that pasteurizing human milk removes the advantages of it being breast milk as opposed to formula: its quality of being more or less a living substance (I want to say "tissue", but it's a fluid). Therefore, the company is profiting simply on the idea, not even on something that really benefits the recipient babies.

It's basically the same thing as the old days of hiring a wet nurse (who was often poor, of course, and often had to reduce or stop feeding her own child to nurse the richer family's baby, unless she was already weaning her own, though how common was that?) Except that in those cases, at least whoever was drinking the milk at least got to benefit from live milk (and even cuddling).

And, yes, I am thinking that once again, the poor are going to be offered money to give up their bodies or parts of their bodies, as has been traditional throughout history. Pay a poor person to take on your conscription and get killed in battle in your place. Pay a poor person to have sex with you (or more likely, pay their batterer to coerce them to have sex with you). Pay a poor person to give you their organs for transplant, or give their blood and plasma. Pay a poor person to be experimented on with pharmaceuticals. In most of those cases, the majority of the bodies currently being sold are female and/or children. So I shouldn't be surprised about the milk thing, I guess.

Now, the other thing I heard on the radio while we were driving (to the midwife as a matter of fact) that actually made me laugh out loud (but not LOL, thank you very much) was about a brand-new, simple way to reduce anemia in infants in the "Developing World".

"If they'd just allow the umbilical cord to empty into the baby before they cut it, they wouldn't have so much of a problem with anemia in the first place," I muttered in annoyance at the radio.

"It's a funny solution you wouldn't have thought of!"* [<--paraphrased, but not much] says the doctor being interviewed. "...[The study shows we should] simply delay the time you clamp the cord!"

At that point you could probably have actually heard the rolling of my eyes over the road noise in the car.

Ah, yes, those poor infants in the Developing World. Never mind that we do it here, too, thus adding to the risk of months-long anemia and necessitating various interventions that would otherwise be completely spurious. (Clearly, it's true that the Developing World infants are already at additional risk, as their mothers might have serious nutritional deficiencies, the cord-clamping simply being the straw that breaks the back of their tiny little healths.)

But, sheesh, just how dumb are we, anyway?! A major discovery. Tsscchh. What's next?

"Yale study shows that simple treatment of eating food prevents curious and unpleasant sensations of contraction in stomach which, untreated, lead to death!"

*Speak for yourself, pal.

Birthing Tour

2006-08-09T09:36:00.000-04:00

Just a quick post, as I am really trying to get non-gestation work done today.

We attended an orientation to the Alternative Birthing Center last night. I really just wanted a tour, but there was a nearly 2-hour lecture about their philosophy first. It was pretty much all stuff I already knew, so I was somewhat bored. When one of the other attendees raised her hand and asked what a placenta was, steam came out of my ears and I got out my PDA to play Bejeweled ("easy" setting).

However, I think it reassured TheLimey that we will get to do things the way that I want and he won't have to be fighting any physicians while I'm laboring. (He's heard too many horror stories about "traditional" childbirth at this point.)

The tour was the final 15 minutes of the whole deal, so we got to see the actual center. Basically, a comfortable room with the addition of a giant tub or jacuzzi in it. And the bed doesn't do as many tricks as the beds in Labor and Delivery do, which is fine with me. (L&D is on the same floor.)

Now, the point at which steam came out of my husband's ears was when the nurse/midwife/guide mentioned that previously, the ABC cost half as much to use as Labor and Delivery, due to the lower-tech provisions in it, but when the hospital saw that people liked using it, they began charging the same amount for either. (So long, low-income families.)

We did see one actual newborn baby in the ABC, just lying there in its swaddling clothes (in caterpillar fashion) on some sort of baby platform next to an office person entering data into a computer. Probably data about the baby. Nobody was even looking at it! It really was kitten-cute, and was blinking its eyes very slowly and confusedly as we all trooped past on our way out.

They all get little electronic anklets that sound an alarm if you try to take one out of the hospital, however.

In other news, I am looking forward to some much-needed brain repair. It just goes to show that you can't be too careful about whom you allow to impregnate you, because that person's DNA is potentially inside your body forever! (Or at least a good long while.)

Also, here comes more evidence that Tom Cruise's poor child may have already gotten a rough start, besides being his child, I mean. I guess when you're really, really rich, no one bothers to warn you when you're taking stupid risks, like performing DIY ultrasound on your own fetus at home. Untrained.

There may be some upcoming cross-pollenization between this blog and my normal one.

Notorious PRG

2006-08-02T17:17:00.000-04:00

I don't feel like posting these (or any prego photos with my face in them) on Flick'r, since those ones have been ending up on certain unsavory websites.

Swimming last weekend made me feel like I was my non-prego weight. It'd be nice to have somewhere to swim all the time. (The appearance of my not wearing any bottoms is just due to The Belly hiding them!) I needed two pool noodles to support my bulk this time.

My nails and hair always grow faster this time of year, but this nail growth is ridiculous! I haven't been growing them on purpose, but at this length it's a pain in the behind to cut them so I keep putting it off. Even the one with a flaw down the middle hasn't broken. And even the parts of my nails that had polish on them from my spa day haven't broken. (The white line you can see if you look closely is not malnutrition or illness, but an indication of where the manicure was.)

Trying out the new baby sling with Tom Kitten as subject.

32 Weeks

2006-08-02T12:05:00.000-04:00

32_weeks
Originally uploaded by doctorlizardo.

But not at the best angle for showing the hugeness this time...

32 Weeks

2006-07-26T07:59:00.000-04:00

Yikes! Getting close. The average non-induced pregnancy is 41-1/7 weeks long (though in this country often induced at 38 weeks, when baby may or may not be ripe, just like a green peach ready for shipping! This at least partly explains the exceptionally low birth rate of American babies.)

(BTW, someone else's child up there.)

At any rate, the exit date is getting close. I really don't feel like I will have a baby, I feel like I have a baby now. S/he's just not outside yet. The baby already does social-interactive things like waking up around 9pm in time for "stories" (as Dad and I read to each other at bedtime), and jumping around every day when Dad gets home after work and starts talking. I can feel the little wiggly body moving around in its packing fluid when I squish my belly.

I think I would feel deeply insulted and misunderstood (on top of grief-stricken, of course) if I were one of those women who lose their babies to stillbirth at this point, and have insensitive people say things to the effect that it's not really that great a loss since the baby hadn't been born yet.

We attended our final Bradley class last night. I can't believe it's been three months already! That first trimester dragged on for about nine months, but these last three months flew by like just a few weeks. I am so glad we did that class. I can't imagine giving birth without being prepared like this. It'd be like being tossed into the ocean without knowing how to swim.

Last night we saw some amazing clips from a video showing results of a study of unmedicated babies (that is, the mother was not medicated during the birth so the baby is also unimpaired) who were not separated from the mother after birth. These babies were compared to babies from medicated births, and those who were separated from the mother after birth for the routine procedures (weighing, measuring, washing, and what-have-you.) Your basic 4-cell, 2-condition study.

Of course you can guess that the unmedicated, unseparated babies did a lot better than the others. In fact, the video shows the typical result in that condition, which was the little nekkid critter crawling up Mum's abdomen of its own accord, seeking and finding the breast, and latching on to it properly. Looked very much like a newborn kitten or puppy. (The cover of the video shows some stills, if you enlarge it.) It was pretty impressive!

I keep feeling incredulous at how huuuge I've become. The other day we were examining how the area that used to be my belly-button is now about 4" in diameter (you can tell the edge from the circular pattern of little hairs.) I wonder how it will look after? I have neither a personal trainer nor a plastic surgeon, so I'm guessing it won't be like Br1tney. (The joke in Bradley class: "I wonder if she's already scheduled her next C-section yet?") I probably weigh about 160lbs at this point, though I don't have a scale at home. Also, my nails recently grew to about half an inch (not exaggerating!) before I finally broke down and cut them.

I can no longer see what's happening when I have to pee into the little cup at my prenatal appointments. I mainly have to go by the sounds, and guesswork. Shaving my legs or clipping my toenails is also exceedingly awkward, though I still do it. (For now!)

I've finally had decent energy the past few weeks, thank goodness. Most days I don't have to nap, and I wake up at 6 or 6:30 on my own. How long this will last, I don't know, but I'm trying to take advantage of it while I can to get my data done.

The only really unpleasant thing at this point is the back/hips thing (my sacroiliac thing). I really can't sit anywhere comfortably, and if I do sit anyway, it becomes excruciating after ten minutes or so. (That pinchy, sharp, shooting kind of pain that starts in my back and extends down my legs.) This means that driving or sitting in the car is pretty awful, as is sitting at the computer (I've had to write this in several goes, and I'm constantly wriggling and standing up and kneeling and trying to find a tolerable position as I write), or on the couch, or even on the floor.

The only comfortable position I can find these days is lying down, and since there's that big ball in front, I basically have to lie on my side. (Lying on my back is bad, as The Ball closes off a necessary artery if one does that.) It always hurts to some extent, no matter what I'm doing. It's just that some things make it hurt worse, or a lot worse, depending.

However, I know it's temporary. Hope I can hack it for a few months!

You Look Great

2006-07-06T07:46:00.000-04:00

I have to say, I have never experienced so many people commenting on my appearance in my life before this. It's kind of odd. The conversation generally goes like this (even with complete strangers):

Query about stage of pregnancy

Query about state of health

Comment re appearance: invariably, "[transition word], you look great!"

I have been trying to figure out what this means. The way the statement is presented, it always sounds like this "looking-great" is somehow unexpected.

Do I look so much better than I did when not pregnant? (Did I really look that bad then?) Do I look better than they expect pregnant women in general to look? And in what aspect? Does it mean I look hot? Happy? Healthy perhaps? Are they trying to reassure me, because in fact I don't look so "great" to them, or because they think that since I'm pregnant, I must be neurotically concerned about looking huge?

Really, I haven't been that concerned about my appearance. When I remark that I've become "huge," it's more that I'm amazed at what's going on, and am still surprised that this big wiggly bump is on me. It's not that I am afraid I'm "fat" or think I'm suddenly "ugly" or whatever.

Although last night when I was sitting on the couch I did notice some new weight gain in my thighs. And that was a strange feeling. Also, my behind now measures 3" more than previously (it's keeping pace with my belly). But I think that's where the nursing weight normally goes; hips and thighs.

29 Weeks

2006-07-05T23:05:00.000-04:00

29 Weeks
Originally uploaded by doctorlizardo.

I can't believe it's only a couple of months away now!

They say Bradley babies are larger than your run-of-the-mill babies. Also, the midwife told me their practice runs to larger babies as well.

Crossing fingers that his/her back is at my front before delivery...

The Daily Hiccup

2006-07-01T07:17:00.000-04:00

Now the hiccups are daily; sometimes more than once. This morning at about 5 I could actually feel the hicking from the outside. The midwife said that since I'm feeling all the hicking down by my cervix, it's likely the baby has already turned upside-down.

I had my glucose challenge last prenatal visit. Apparently I over-researched it, since I thought I was supposed to not eat for six hours beforehand (as everything online seems to state). However, it turns out they don't do that at this place, so I made myself crabby and tired all day for no good reason. I thought she didn't instruct me to starve myself beforehand...

It turns out the midwife doesn't know the sex of the baby after all. She was simply calling it "she" as something to call it, since her own youngest is a girl. She even showed me the report from the ultrasound, which has a blank space next to "genitalia." So nobody really knows except the ultrasound technician! Of course, now I know what to look for on the ultrasound ("three lines" vs. "turtle"), and can't help racking my memory to imagine which it looked like more. The strategic modest placement of the umbilicus/fig leaf, however, throws me off.

I am now 152 pounds, only 2.5 (approximately) of which is baby. I'm not sure where it all is! I really don't feel massive (well, other than the belly area), although this is exactly 40 pounds more than what I used to weigh back when I wanted so much to gain a few pounds.

My hips hurt every night now--not horribly, but achily, so that I wake up frequently and want to lie on my back or front, but can't. And I have these Toni-Braxton contractions--er, Braxton-Hicks contractions--most evenings and at other random times, like getting up from my desk or when peeing. Also if I'm wearing something that presses on my lower belly too much, or even sometimes when the baby is bumping my cervix a lot.

Sometimes I know there's going to be a contraction before it happens, because they're usually accompanied by an odd tummy sensation like free-fall (or like dread, depending on the context). I think I have an inkling now what kind of feeling labor contractions will be, though certainly the degree is quite different.

I am looking forward to going shopping for our stock of Fuzzi Bunz (that link is to a store that is actually nearby: I want to play with them before buying!) Especially after viewing cost comparisons between cloth and disposable diapers (not even to mention the 2,000 pounds of diapers not going into landfills). They even have high resale value on eBay! I did consider getting them on eBay initially, but decided I wanted at least a base inventory of new ones. The new ones only cost a couple of dollars more, anyway.

If the baby was born right now, it'd have a 90% chance of survival. (!!)

Like A "Real Person"

2006-06-25T00:27:00.000-04:00

Two firsts for the baby today:

1: Startling when Daddy, two feet away, exclaimed loudly about a goal made by Argentina.
2: Hiccups! Funny.

People are definitely going out of their way to be helpful now, especially as concerns carrying and opening things. I didn't like the idea of feeling like public property (belly-patting, for instance) but somehow feeling cared for by the community at large turns out not to feel as intrusive as I imagined.

I did get an unexpected belly-pat, but at least it was from someone who a) was female and b) has known me for a few years (former prof.) Still hard to know what the heck to do at the time, though.

Note to self: on addition to "big ticket" items like the car seat, must remember to get scratch mittens.

Baby clothes now washed and hung in closet.

6 Months-ish

2006-06-13T10:19:00.000-04:00

Not that anyone counts by months, as I'm a bit over 25 weeks now. I guess this means I'm in the last trimester now. While the first trimester felt like a year, the second seemed to whiz past in a few weeks!

I have been feeling more confident of my ability to actually squeeze the baby out without freaking out since we've been taking the Bradley class. TheLimey also expresses a lot more confidence in his role as coach. We are now halfway through the 12-week class, although we have a lot of reading to catch up on for the past few weeks. And some of the exercises, too. Given the eating, the exercising, the walking, the relaxation practice, and the readings, it could easily take 6 hours a day every day. (Some of that time just me, some both of us.)

It's really been hard to find the time to do it all in the evenings, and our weekends have been chock-full of various social things as every single freakin' individual we know is graduating, getting married, leaving town, and having babies right now. Each of which require some kind of get-together, including ours now that I think of it.

Supposedly pregnant women are mosquito magnets, since there is simply more heat pouring off of us as we radiate for our babies, too. However, on recent nature walks I have only gotten a few bites, while my poor husband is still stalked by lots of the little bloodsuckers. (Perhaps it's the exotic foreign meat aspect!)

I have a very few odd muscle twitches here and there, but nothing like the terrible cramps some people describe (well, maybe once or twice). The only annoying thing is that my eyelids have been twitching like crazy (I'm sure it looks quite crazy) for a few weeks now. Top, bottom, left, right--they all do it at various times. I'd say at least a few times per hour.

Also, my hips have been aching when I wake up for maybe a month. Whichever side I was most recently sleeping on is the one that aches. It wakes me up in the middle of the night so I have to turn over and cook the other side.

Yay!

2006-06-08T19:56:00.000-04:00

No pre-eclampsia (so far, anyway). Blood pressure was a mere 116/60.

I keep thinking that if I didn't know enough about asthma to know that blood pressure goes up when ventilation goes down even a little, I would not have known what was probably wrong. And I wouldn't have known how to take care of it, and would have had the same bad reading today as two weeks ago, and then would have had a "high risk" pregnancy for no really good reason.

It's sure good to know stuff.

Daddy finally got to hear the heartbeat today, too, which was nice.

Checkup

2006-06-08T09:38:00.000-04:00

Today we go in to see if my blood pressure spike was a fluke. Which clearly I hope it was.

I also had a weird, intense, unfamiliar flavor of abdominal pain yesterday, but only for about 2 seconds. TheLimey was very worried and insists we discuss it with the midwife today. Probably not a bad idea, though I'm feeling kind of tired of talking about potential problems.

At least Little Jump-n-Bump is still jumping and bumping right on schedule (mostly when I lie down or turn over, that is, though sitting down does it, too.) I think it may just be that s/he is big enough now so that I feel most of the wiggulations. A lot of the kicking or poking seems directed straight down towards my cervix, which is somewhat uncomfortable and also squishes my bladder (further). The other popular wigglin' spot has been mostly on my left side, which is irrelevant to my comfort.

I wish I could see what position the baby is in! It seems to have not shifted position much since the ultrasound: just grown and become more squished.

I can't believe I'm about 150 pounds now. Where the heck is it all? I feel like I'm the same size as always, except for this protrusion on my belly. It's a weird feeling for someone who used to struggle to get above 113 pounds.

A fun thing I did over the weekend: washing all the newborn clothing and blankets (in a low dosage of non-perfume, non-dye detergent, of course) and putting them away in the bedroom. I also researched the cloth diapers I want to use (Fuzzi Bunz), which are expensive in initial outlay but seem widely acclaimed by parent users.

For now the clothes are mixed in with our big-people stuff in the closet and in my dresser, but I have created vague designs for a small but tall baby wardrobe that would fit in a little-used nook of the room. I could get the pieces cut at Home Depot and screw it all together myself, paint it, insert a couple clothes rods. We'll see...

I also want to make a computer-designed room mockup to try out moving the bedroom furniture around to accommodate a changing table and rocking chair. Cramped, but I bet I could make it work.

Bullet Points

2006-06-01T10:38:00.000-04:00

1. Have been drinking more water as recommended by midwife; also added supplements of magnesium and more calcium as well as using preventative inhaler every night (rather than sparingly using it only when things are getting tight.) Also maintaining protein and salt intake as recommended for support of albumin in blood (keeps fluids inside blood vessels, so body doesn't try to overcompensate by raising blood pressure). I hope all of this this takes care of the big scary blood pressure reading next week.

2. Finally! Arranged self/baby/husband so that he could feel the kicking, too.

3. Reflections in large windows: who the heck is that?! It can't be me! Weird.

4. Feeling better physically, mentally; not needing many naps this week. Am gradually developing routine for days that seems to be leading to at least some work, and less procrastination / angst / funlessness / self-loathing. Noticed that when I'm at all tired, though, things seem hopeless. Therefore must not make any decisions or plans when tired.

5. Nap-ly weeks still seem to be followed by growth spurt of The Belly the subsequent week. It seems preternaturally large already, and this is only month 5!

6. Had baby shower from colleagues (early because many are moving.) Nice to see others, feel more motivated about work. Also got cute items.

7. Found a Once Upon a Child outlet. Yippee!

Now, must work.

BP Blues

2006-05-25T17:42:00.000-04:00

I really didn't expect anything out of the ordinary at the midwife visit today. I had some questions about my epi-pen, and our birth plan, and a few things like that. The baby's heartbeat was great, and the size was good, and all that.

However, my blood pressure measurement was suddenly quite a bit higher than usual...126/90. (It's usually, like, 105 over 70 or something--I have a history of too-low blood pressure, if anything.)

They redid it a little while later and it had come down somewhat, but still not entirely. The thing about blood pressure and pregnancy is that a suddent jump can mean pre-eclampsia. Which if you go look up eclampsia as I know you will, is really really bad. And I'm at higher risk for it because of my age.

She asked if there was something I was stressed out about, but I couldn't think of anything in particular right at that second. (Besides, my blood pressure usually doesn't fluctuate that much due to stress, I don't think.)

Later as I was driving home I remembered that earlier today I panicked because of some weird skin things that have been going on with me lately, and I had spent about half an hour looking up melanoma pictures online. So maybe that was it. Or maybe the newly arrived and unaccustomed heat. Or maybe that I was four minutes late. Or that I had been bending over to tie my shoes (which is definitely a lot harder these days.)

Anyway, I have to drink a ton of water and go back in two weeks, watching out for high blood pressure symptoms all the while.

...Then on the way home, my car stalled out in traffic three times. Now that surely lowered my blood pressure.

Ol' Kickory

2006-05-24T14:59:00.000-04:00

The internal kicking and shoving has become quite noticeable of late. I know when the little Somebody is awake, now. Sometimes I can even see movement ("Poik! Poik!") much like a pet rat under a blanket. However, TheLimey still hasn't been able to feel the movements.

I finally discovered last night that lying on my back flattens everything out enough that the movements are really obvious externally (to me). However, even when I do that and put my hand over his, and can actually see his thumb being kicked, he still can't feel it. Is it because he has such large hands?

So I'm afraid it may have to wait until the baby actually comes out.

Nap-free for four days and counting!

Slouching to Catch Up

2006-05-24T08:32:00.000-04:00

My mood has been up and down lately, which may be hormonal. But I think it's also largely a function of this new life wherein I am at home all day, every day.

Yesterday I had that distinct "yaaah-the-walls-are-closing-in!" feeling.

I do have some activities planned, like going in to campus once a week (whether or not there's a reason), attending the weekly birthing classes of course, and finding a La Leche League meeting that I can attend once a month.

I could make other plans to do this or that random activity, I guess, though it would all pretty much involve driving somewhere out of town. Unfortunately, a lot of that kind of activity feels pretty contrived. What I'm missing is the structure of a daily task. I've been working (outside the home) since I was a teenager, so this is really hard.

As much as I wanted time off from the insanity of grad school, this is maybe the opposite extreme. I really have to get myself straightened out about this before the baby gets out. Not because I want a schedule to fit the baby into (ha!), but because I really feel I should be clear and solid in my own mind before then.

Now as far as all this eating goes--man, it's hard. I can't keep up with all the dang food we're supposed to be eating. I especially find it hard to get in all the vegetables, and then the other vegetables. Based on what I can tell from the nutritional analysis, it's really supposed to be a diet that would include all necessary nutrients without taking any supplements, whereas I do actually take a prenatal vitamin, so I don't think I'm actually going deficient. Yes, of course I know that ideally all our nutrients would come from a whole food source rather than a vitamin, but better that than not.

In fact, I'm feeling a bit rebellious about having someone tell me exactly what to eat, dammit, when I've made such a study of nutrition on my own. Hmph.

Have not needed a midday nap the past few days, so that's been nice. I even slept through the night last night, except for a brief disturbance or two by noisy trains.

Ugh

2006-05-18T14:52:00.000-04:00

I awoke today feeling pretty awful...nosebleed, headache, fatigue, and even some replaying of the ol' "morning" sickness. I haven't gotten much done today. I feel successful at having eaten breakfast and lunch. I think the headache is beginning to subside a bit, now that it's nearly three, but I spent a lot of time trying to sleep it off on the couch today.

I still think that the various symptoms are at least somewhat tiredness related. I didn't get to bed until late last night as I was cooking some food for the return of TheLimey from his brief business trip out of state. I just wanted something to be waiting for him when he got back in the middle of the night.

But I have to get on some kind of schedule--maybe I can get up early and go to bed at 6pm or something, instead of staying up (usually until the late late hour of 10!) and then sleeping late. Of course, if I did that I'd never see my husband.

Backsliding?

2006-05-17T12:05:00.000-04:00

I have been feeling pretty good for about...what, 7 or 8 weeks or so now? That gave me 5 or 6 weeks to finish out the teaching semester and wrap it up, and then a week or so to begin tidying up all the tattered trailing remnants of my life that have been catching on the doorjambs of the world for about five years now.

It's been great! I've actually done laundry, chased down mysterious insurance charges with Blue Cross by phone, begun clearing out the office of stacks of various papers that will interfere with my research beginning, tidied the kitchen a few times, worked on getting my data into the house and numbered, and concentrated greatly on childbirth class homework. Especially that eating bit. I'm not kidding--it takes a lot of time to daily figure out, prepare for, buy, eat, and keep track of my nutritional requirements.

I even made a weekly schedule a couple days ago that incorporates research/academic tasks and exercise/eating requirements into a reasonable, doable amount of time, while still giving me time for things like actually looking at my bank statements and bills (especially the ones in my name).

So I've felt like I am finally getting to where I can both do my work and have a life, and maybe even finish my research before the baby comes (out). Which is going to have to be a real priority, as it will be nigh-impossible to do anything on it for a long time after that, which could mean even further delays in getting this damn PhD.

However, for the past seven days, I have begun requiring more sleep again; about twelve or thirteen hours it's looking like. This means that I may well get up at 6 or 7 with TheLimey, but then within an hour I have to go back to bed for the morning. I mean, have to. So my day then begins at 11:30 or so instead of 7.

I really hate losing half the day. Sleeping late like this makes me feel depressed and weird, and really behind in everything, from the minute I awake. It means that everything I've scheduled for the morning is just gone and I have to squeeze it into the remaining five hours of the workday, which is always impossible.

I was hoping that it was just a fluke, a day or two of tiredness, but now it's gone on for a whole week. I am going to have to drastically rethink my schedule if this is going to continue for the rest of my pregnancy, because there goes eighty hours of (non-gestational) work a month, just like that >snap<.

It also does not help to be getting several invitations from the APA to join as a member (rather than a student member) "now that I've graduated." When in reality, I won't be graduating for--at the absolute earliest--another two years. Thanks for reminding me, APA!

Details

2006-05-15T09:32:00.000-04:00

1. No nosebleeds for a while now.

2. Itching and scratching have diminished--perhaps the growth and molting are complete.

3. That class is rigorous as far as homework! I have to get back on track with the exercises. The hardest one to do is the relaxation. It's especially hard because it's supposed to be guided by my husband, and ... it's just hard to get us both on the same page to do this at the same time, and do it every day. But it's the most important aspect of how this whole birthing method works, so I have to find a way to get us to both do it unfailingly.

It's also hard to eat everything I'm supposed to. The diet is based on the Brewer diet. I do use the checkboxes on my daily worksheet to remind myself which components to eat. However, I don't always follow it strictly.

I try to make sure that I get all necessary nutrients as advocated by the Nutrition Analysis Tool, which I plumb fergot about. (I used it for my Master's thesis.) However, I do try to get the 80-100 grams of protein advocated by the Brewer diet rather than the lower 60 grams advocated by the NAT. Usually, by the time I eat all the eggs, whole grains, and dairy products on my worksheet, I already have the 80-100 grams, and don't need to add another protein source.

4. Almost forgot--bellybutton is starting to disappear! (Soon I'll look like a clone.)

Mother's Day

2006-05-14T19:49:00.000-04:00

I had gotten some hints that I might get crepes in bed today, which I did. So nice to have a gourmet-cooking husband! However, I was surprised to also get a nice gift certificate for a nearby spa for some kind of 4 hour package thingy. (I suggested it would involve some kind of long and severe deep-tissue massage by large German women, but I don't think it does in reality.) Now I have to think of something really good to give him for Father's Day!

It's already 21 weeks. "Your baby is the size of a large banana." Where did the past five weeks go?

There is a lot of kicking now, which I can even feel from the outside. However, the baby always stops kicking whenever Daddy tries to feel the kicks, however patient he tries to be.

Well, eventually.

The heartburn has been a lot worse. I have to make sure that I eat long before bedtime or else I will be awoken in the middle of the night and kept awake for usually several hours.

We have gone to the birthing class twice now. Last time the instructor showed a video of a homebirth (in water). It looked ouchy but doable. The mother didn't even tear or anything, so there was no blood. I think TheLimey felt a bit anxious about all the noise she was making, but it's good to begin the exposure now.

Now I think of the baby as a girl, ever since the midwife appeared to have revealed that...it's a girl. Who knows! It'll be whatever it is. I haven't bought anything different or made any different preparations, at any rate. I still am not interested in getting frilly dresses. However, I do have somewhat different feelings, as I imagine I can identify more with girls, having been one. Therefore it's sort of like I have a deeper or more detailed image of what I think it will be like.

Nevertheless, a baby is a baby. It's going to use that German porcelain hedgehog-pattern teaset (from eBay, a couple years ago) either way, as Daddy and I read Wind in the Willows out loud and drink from our own grownup-size teacups.

Bits

2006-05-01T11:20:00.000-04:00

I'm going to review this Slate article whenever I am tempted to accede to anyone's efforts to make me feel had about having the baby sleep in our room.

There's been a lot of kicking lately. Or rather, I'm guessing there's probably the same amount of kicking as before, but I can feel it more regularly now.

At that midwife visit last week, I learned that I had a "big jump" in weight (i.e. I'm at 140 now, where I started at 129 or so pre-conception.) I think this is as it should be, and I was merely catching up to where I would have been had I not spent so much time feeling so miserably ill. However, I am surprised to find that I have some slippery-slope feelings of "Oh, no, I've started gaining weight and I'll never stop!" Also I feel guilty that I've been so sedentary, and think it would feel better if I were back to exercising more. It's hard to tell what's unnecessary guilt and what's reasonable motivation.

As the results of the ultrasound had arrived, the midwife told me that the placenta is attached in the front, and that this means there is a stronger chance that the baby will come out facing the front "sunny-side-up" (which in birth terms, is backwards--it should be facing your spine.) (And it's only "sunny-side-up" if you're lying on your back to give birth, which I assure you will not be the case. I'm pretty sure I'll be on my hands and knees and hiding under the bed.)

Great. This backwards birth position means longer and more painful labor, and as the midwife reported about her own child, a lot of head and facial bruising that can last weeks. (The squished baby, not the mother.)

However, she also reported that a recent British study suggested that one thing that encourages this "sunny-side-up" positioning is slouching. That's right, bad posture is bad for one more thing. Recliners are apparently bad for the same reason. So I am making an effort to sit up straight all the time, to make plenty of room in there for it to get into the right position. (This is easier to remember whenever I feel a little mnemonic kick.)

She was able to locate the hearbeat immediately with the doppler this time, as the baby's back was at my front (a good sign?!). If you haven't heard what a fetal heartbeat sounds like somewhere or other, then just do this: in the back of your throat, make a sound like the "ch" in "challah" or "loch", then with the front of your mouth modulate the swooshing sound coming out to say "wow, wow, wow, wow," continually. That's pretty much exactly how it sounds.

The other thing that happened is that when I referred to the baby as "he" as I have been doing for a while now, the midwife said, " 'He'? What's that about?" I said we still (purposely) didn't know the sex of the baby but I'd been calling it "he" for a while now.

I thought the ultrasound tech said that she was not going to write down the sex, but...now that I think about it, there are some different issues with boy and girl babies (like length of gestation), so maybe she just meant she wouldn't write it down for us, but did put it in the report that the midwife got? Did the midwife give away something she thought we already knew (as nearly everyone else can't wait to find out the sex of the baby at the 20-week ultrasound)?

So now I'm trying to figure out if she was just questioning my use of "he" because how could I know, or because she knows something different. Maybe my feeling that it's a boy is just because we have a macho girl, like mummy. (At which my husband can't contain his sarcasm, -- I expect it protects his ego to imagine I am a gentle little flower.)

So, anyway--birthing classes begin tomorrow evening. Yikes.

Interpretation

2006-04-26T10:59:00.000-04:00

Not that the images are that obscure this time, but depending which cross section we were looking at, we could see a lot more details than what you see below. Nevertheless they are good overviews.

The baby is about 5" from crown to rump, and as you can see in the bottom left image, its eyes are 2.06cm apart. Which is all as it should be. The technician said she normally didn't give out the pictures that showed the front view of the face, as it looks kind of weird, but apparently she thought we could handle it. Maybe because I was cooing over the cute little brainstem.

We also got to see fingers and toes and all their little bones, which seemed to be in the right configurations. However, I didn't specifically count them. I guess there could still be polydactyly, although I think the technician would have caught that. She seemed pretty swift. She also asked me what my medical field was, which made me feel smug.

For the past few weeks I have been experiencing extra-itchy mammary gland protrusions (euphemism out of deference to those with delicate sensibilities; you know who you are.)

Actually, it started right away with the other symptoms, but during the past few weeks has been going absolutely nuts. Every little microscopic wrinkle has turned out to actually be a tiny crevice that has its own daily flake of skin to molt, and each flake of skin has its own individual attendant maddening itch. I've taken to calling them "Itchy and Scratchy". I've also begun a bit of pre-lactation, which is much like the monthly occurrence back in the day when I was on Ortho-Novum. (Before they discontinued it--yikes!)

I can tell when I'm having a hormone surge now. I may feel really great and energetic for the first bit--including the er, dreams, the second trimester is apparently famous for. Then I'll suddenly feel crashingly exhausted and possibly a bit nauseous. When this has gone on for a couple days, it seems like I notice there has been a growth spurt of my belly a few days later. Or, should I say, The Belly, as we've begun calling it, as it now seems to have a life of its own. I guess you could say it does.

No nosebleeds since Monday's two-hour monster, thank goodness. (Another hormone surge sign.)

Oh yeah; it's been about three weeks since I could sleep on my front. One week I could, the next week I tried it and--nope. Which is too bad, as that's usually my trump card for insomnia. Luckily, the insomnia dropped off to a great extent at about the same time.

However, yesterday I discovered a work-around for the sleeping position: if I place all the loose sofa pillows on its sitting surface, leaving a gap for The Belly, I can comfortably lie on my front (and even sleep).

Week 18 Ultrasound

2006-04-24T08:44:00.000-04:00

I'm typing with one hand, as I have another blasted nosebleed this morning. Kind of a big one.
Anyway:

More later when typing is easier.

We'll Call Him (?) Wriggles

2006-04-20T20:13:00.000-04:00

We went to have the 20-week sonogram today, although it's actually 18 weeks today (there's an acceptable range). We didn't ask to find out the sex, although I think that what I saw confirms what I was already thinking.

The technician said that she was 100% sure of the sex (with the caveat that she was really only supposed to say "99% sure") of the sex, if we did want to know, but we declined. (Although I admit I did kind of want to know if I was right.) I do know it's easier to see the presence of external genitalia than to be sure of the absence of them, so for her to say she's "100% sure" also adds weight to my supposition.

One thing I was right about is where the feet are, because for the past week or so the little kicklets have been at the left side of my abdomen. I thought that either the baby had settled down in a sideways position for a while with the feet over there, or that I was totally fooling myself and the feelings were actually from some organ or part of my guts that happened to wrap around in that area and have thumps or gurgles. Apparently it really was the baby-feet option.

We got to see a lot of various baby bits in great detail--cross sections of the brain (a nice clear corpus callosum and also a nice brainstem from what I saw), eye sockets lined up properly and lip looking whole, all four chambers of the heart beating away, femurs, hand bones, spine, other bones generally, and so forth. As always, the baby was wriggling away from observation and generally being active.

We have a lot of still images from the session, so I'll scan some and post them. Of course, they don't do justice to how nifty it looks to see the kicking, stretching, and arm-flailing live and in motion, but they're still cool.

Afterwards we stopped at Target and bought me some pregger trousers, dangit. It's actually me who's palm-dampeningly anxious about spending money on clothes, not my husband. So he did encourage me to get some things, and I'm glad I did.

Oh yeah, and I found a due-date calculator that actually uses the correct algorithm, so it came up with the correct conception date and also the exact due date that I had estimated myself. (As if there's just the one day.)

Whew...

2006-04-19T08:08:00.000-04:00

Yay; no New Orleans!

One less thing to angst about. The birth is enough.

Now, back to whatever academic work I was going to do initially when I got on the computer.

16 weeks

2006-04-17T11:12:00.000-04:00

16 weeks
Originally uploaded by doctorlizardo.

I know; you've already seen this on my main blog. But what the heck.

Actually, I'm 17 weeks now. We took the picture last week.

Now that I have only 5 months left (!!), I feel motivated to get going on preparing for the birth. Or the Big Squeezathon, to make such a momentous thing sound whimsical. I do think of it as an upcoming athletic event for which I need to begin training.

I actually went jogging to the post office today. I didn't force anything, only did what was comfortable, and let myself quit as soon as I felt like it. I was quite surprised to find that I had actually gone a half mile!

We've signed up for the childbirth classes--sent off the deposit today. The class starts May 2 and lasts 12 weeks. There are a lot fewer potential start dates than I would like. I wanted to do one a bit later, like maybe June through August, instead, but had to take what was available.

Now I'm worried because TheLimey is waiting to hear whether he is going to be sent off to New Orleans for three weeks solid. This will screw things up a lot, as we are doing Bradley, which requires him to actually be half the team in the birth.

We're not going to be doing Lamaze, which has been shown to do absolutely nothing for the birthing mother. (As far as pain levels and necessity for various medical interventions.)

Lamaze has, on the other hand, been shown to be helpful for the medical staff, because it keeps the mother quieter, more passive, and generally more convenient for them. Screw that.

Bradley method, now, does show a lot of reduction in the need for pain meds and for other medical interventions. It teaches you what to do with your body when, and lets you listen to your own instincts, go to the bathroom, and move around, and stuff.

But it's not called "husband-coached" childbirth for nothing. He's supposed to actually be doing the coaching and know what's going on, rather than just standing around vaguely comforting you, as he might in Lamaze.

So, not to wish misfortune on his company, but I really hope this job in New Orleans doesn't happen. Missing three whole classes would be bad. This is not the sort of thing where you can cram and catch up and it ultimately won't matter that much how you do on the final.

Bigger and Better

2006-04-15T07:35:00.000-04:00

...that's me.

We did take a photo last weekend. I have to upload and crop the two pictures we've taken so far. Not enough for a time lapse sequence, but enough to see something happening. (Actually, from the tiny thuds in my abdomen, I think something is happening right now. Though sometimes I think I'm imagining it.)

This Thursday we get to see the Superduper Sonogram at the Specialized Sonogram Shack, or whatever it's called. (No, not one of those in the mall--just the ultrasound specialist.) I thought the image we previously saw (and posted) was pretty much it for what kind of image we would see, but apparently it's standard to get a very detailed one around 20 weeks or so, which is coming right up.

This is the one where people often find out the sex of the baby. However, we are not going to try for that. If it's a pain in the butt for the technician to not see it, then of course they can't help that, but we're not going to purposely try to find out.

Now getting frequent morning nosebleeds, but mild and not particularly bothersome. It Beats the Barfing Stage, which will now be my standard for rock-bottom misery.

Things I Forgot (TMI Post!)

2006-04-05T13:01:00.000-04:00

Since about the time of implantation (as measured by sudden meat cravings), I definitely have had the increased nasal congestion, and also sundry small-to-medium nosebleeds. The congestion is akin to when I walk a block in cool weather--not enough to warrant a public nosewiping, but noticeable to my breathing. This is not a horrible symptom, except when it conspires with other symptoms to keep me awake in the middle of the night. (It gets worse then.)

Any one of them individually I could probably overlook and fall back asleep: hunger pangs, nausea (now greatly diminished, TG), being thirsty, needing to pee---but then top it all off with also having a stuffy nose, and there goes the possibility of rolling over and ignoring everything. Breathing through my mouth is too drying and uncomfortable. So the stuffy nose thing forces me to grudgingly get up and deal with all the other stuff, while I'm up blowing my nose.

I do have some constipation as promised in all the books, but it's just not something that bothers me terribly. I do eat a lot of my starches as whole grain (pasta, bread, cereal), and usually eat at least an apple daily. However, I still eat white bread or other processed foods when I feel like it. (Especially a nice Italian country loaf, toasted, with blackcurrant jam.)

I do have what is probably hemorrhoids, but again, I can tolerate that a heck of a lot better than nausea. I have further realized that the one time in my life when I will likely be glad to have a little rectal bleeding is during pregnancy, specifically because it's not vaginal bleeding. (See, I said it was going to be TMI!)

Oh yeah, also I have much darker pee than before. This became noticeable about the time I started feeling ill, so I'm guessing it's hormones as well as getting rid of an additional person's waste materials.

I didn't realize that I would already have 20% more blood volume right about now, which means my heart is working about 20% harder than before. I guess it makes sense that I have experienced a little dizziness in the past week or so upon exertion or standing up suddenly.

I've had a discussion with my husband about perinatal depression issues, and we are going to try to deal with it proactively. I want him to know the symptoms, and what helps and what makes it worse, because when I'm experiencing depressive symptoms I often don't realize it until afterwards (too late!) So I need him to watch my back. He plans to call my friends and family and gossip about me--no, I mean, make plans with them--to get me out of the house and so forth, which I think is a very nice plan. (There can be gossip, too. I don't really mind.)

Now, to go put on those maternity pants that cause people to stare openly at my ankles (back to wearing clothes that don't reach my extremities--it's like junior high all over!) and head to the clinic to try to finish that paperwork.

Catching Up

2006-04-03T14:47:00.000-04:00

Since the last post, I have physically been feeling a lot better. Thank goodness.

I think I was really starting to get pretty depressed what with being physically ill, exhausted, housebound and lonely, and having every task in my life pile up for months. (I think my condition was also starting to get to my husband, though he felt very guilty for one day when he was less than his usual supportive self.) It also didn't help that it was miserably cold outside the entire time, to the point where it was too much energy to even get dressed to go outside for a brief walk.

I am at the stage where people aren't sure if I am pregnant or just gaining weight (only in my belly?) but some are beginning to ask--such as some people at the conference who haven't seen me since last year's conference. However, I still haven't gained any weight--in fact, I lost two more pounds since last midwife visit. I am sure I will start making up for it soon.

I have for no logical reason become convinced that the baby is a boy--I may have already mentioned this. However, we're prepared for whichever. I am still experiencing kicking, though I will be glad when it's a more definite sensation.

We got to hear the heartbeat on the Doppler last week, which was a swishing sound about twice as fast as my own swishing sound. The midwife had to chase the baby around as [s]he was apparently swimming around like crazy and being evasive, but we did get to hear it. We also heard a number of thumps, which the midwife explained were actually kicks!

I have to make an appointment soon for the bigtime serious ultrasound at an official ultrasound place. This is the diagnostic, detailed one where they may be able to tell which sex the baby is. We are considering asking them to overlook that part unless it's a pain to avoid noticing it.

Actually, I think I am still experiencing some depression. I think a lot of it is the isolation. Especially now that I live in Smalltown instead of Small Collegetown. Not only do I not really know people here, but the town itself has a weird, transitory vibe, like some place that you pass through. Only. Like the feeling when you're staying at a hotel, but town-wide.

There's no park within walking distance, and the one park I can think of isn't much of a "taking-a-walk" kind of park, anyway. More of a "picnic next to the main drag" kind of park. And the main drag is also a highway, which adds to the feeling of everyone being on their way to somewhere else. In fact, both main drags that cross one another at the center of town are highways. It's the kind of town where a kid can't walk to school, because the school is a massive building at the edge of town, accessible only by vehicle (on the main highway, of course.) It seems every neighborhood is either right next to the highway or a completely neglected-feeling rundown backwater.

We will most likely be staying here for the baby's first year. I better sign up for some Mommy and Me activities or something, as I won't have even the amount of contact I've lately had with my academic colleagues, and will be at high risk for postpartum depression (considering various factors). However--and I feel guilty and elitist about thinking this--I am afraid that I will go nuts with loneliness and annoyance having only acquaintances who are from the local-mothers population.

I think I got this idea from my exposure to some pregnancy listservs I joined. Everyone seems to use this AOL kind of dumb lingo, and just....I don't know. Really adolescent giggly conversations and ways of expressing themselves (Using the term "BD" as a verb meaning to have intercourse--it stands for "Baby Dance". Barf!) I am also on some other listservs like PhD mothers and Feminist Psych mothers. But I have a feeling that there aren't going to be a lot of those people in whatever real-world social group I may find. I think I am just having trouble as I enter this social role transition from student to married mum.

I still feel somewhat tired, but much less so than before. I do still wake up in the middle of the night a lot, which doesn't help. And I think that my two months of being a complete slug has liquefied most of my muscles. I am trying to get out and start walking again. The recent conference was at a hotel near a nice wetland wildlife preserve/park with a trail where I used to go walking when I lived in Small Collegetown. I really looked forward to getting out there and walking last weekend, and it was very nice. However, here at home, it sounds like a drag to go out and walk. Walk where? By some people's rundown houses? Or down to the main drag? Bleh.

The Footy Player

2006-03-19T16:15:00.000-05:00

I felt my first "kick" today!

Although most sources say that you feel them beginning about week 16, they also say that women who've already had one feel them earlier because they recognize it for what it is the second time, instead of dismissing it.

Well, this may be my first pregnancy but I'm not dismissing it. And I've looked at a number of discussion boards and found plenty of women claiming to feel them earlier. It didn't feel so much like a "pop" or "flutter", but rather an odd slow internal rolling sensation. (Somebody's trying to get comfortable?)

The midwife did tell me that I might feel movement earlier than some, now that I think of it.

Not Much

2006-03-19T13:02:00.000-05:00

Am gradually feeling better; first week with no actual barfing. I'm starting to get the thing where people can't resist looking at my belly when they're talking to me to see if it's really what they thought they saw.

I picked up some maternity clothes at the local second-hand store. They do leave less of an imprint on my waist area. However, I need more trousers, as I now have one pregger pair that more or less fits, and a few pairs of loose stretchy pants I can kind of pull down in front. I also found a calf-length dress of the type I believe is known as a pinafore. At least it's just plain black, because I'm not the everyday dress type. It really makes me look like I have a giant belly already.

There is still a lot of dull-colored teensy floral crap out there for pregnant women. I do hear that at the maternity stores in the malls, they have business-type clothes and so forth, but I'm afraid that they would be really expensive. Heck, I resent buying normal clothes at the mall for that reason, let alone specialty clothes.

However, I also just heard from a friend that Target has some nice normal maternity stuff, so maybe I'll go there. I just feel really bad spending any money at all right now, as we are battening down in preparation for TheLimey to quit his job next year to care for the critter, and have us still be able to pay on all our various bills and so forth.

The Bitter with the Sweet

2006-03-11T16:26:00.000-05:00

Today I pretty nearly fulfilled a stereotype as I sat down at the coffee table with a plate of dill pickles and green olives, and a dish of ... sherbet. (Ice cream would have been too sticky and gummy!)

It seems like I have suddenly started to show in just a matter of days. I can still suck it in and just look blockish about the waist, but it's not terribly comfortable.

I am happy that the oh-so-unflattering empire-waist babydoll style of tops has been so popular the past year or so. Now I can get used everyday tops on eBay without having to go the more expensive maternity route!

Trousers, now, will be a different story. I can only go unbuttoned for so much longer. (Plus, they fall down.)

12 Weeks Today!

2006-03-10T06:56:00.000-05:00

Happy Conceptionday to me ... as it were. Now does the illness drop off all at once as I develop that second-trimester glow? Or does it take 24 hours?

Actually, this trimester business (as all other matters of timing in pregnancy) seems a little arbitrary. I've seen descriptions of week 13 being the last week of the first trimester, so ... a name is just a name. I will consider the first trimester over when it feels over.

I had a great day yesterday, health-wise. (Actually, that's misleading. I've been healthy the whole time, just feeling terrible.) I didn't even take a nap yesterday, even though I taught two classes and had a one-hour phone conference with a student. Usually this activeness means I feel reactively terrible the following day, so we'll see.

A Not Untypical Day

2006-03-07T15:44:00.000-05:00

Like yesterday.

-awake ravenous and/or nauseated at sometime between 2am and 4am, having gone to bed around 10:30 or so. Remain awake for 10 minutes to 3 hours, depending on the whim of the gods. Possibly eat several pretzel sticks and a can of V8

-awake at 6am when husband's clock radio goes on and stays on for a good two hours, dammit

-go back to sleep until 10:30am

-spend 20 minutes convincing self that I am not going to throw up

-spend 20 minutes throwing up (not that there's anything in there)

-stumble downstairs and fall onto couch

-drowse through an episode of Jakers! The Adventures of Piggley Winks on Public Television

-sleep until 3:30

-try not to loathe smell of own hair while eating cottage cheese and Wheat Thins

-while sitting as inert lump on couch for next two hours, try to force self to get up and take shower before husband returns from work. Also feel guilty for all the work that I should have done during the day but wasn't awake for

-get in shower just as husband returns from work

-eat an apple while he eats a normal dinner of some kind

-feel ready to do half an hour's work at about 8:30

-feel ready for bed at 9:03

-take prenatal vitamins and Viactive calcium chews with chamomile tea

-goto line 1

Bluh

2006-03-06T10:38:00.000-05:00

Have been barfy and hungover-feeling again today, and slept for hours, though it had mostly subsided to a dull roar until lately. Maybe I did too much over the weekend.

Oddly, leaving the house seem to make me feel sick the following day. Even just being out for a few hours is pretty tiring. (All we did was to visit the tax preparer!)

Even talking on the phone wears me out, especially with people I have to be cheerful or personable for. (This tells me that it takes a lot of energy to be "on"!)

Today I have only had an apple and a small bowl of cereal, otherwise nothing to eat or drink. Bluck. I may try for some cottage cheese and Wheat Thins later (one of my staples.)

Other staples I've settled into: bouillon broth with brown rice and egg beaten in while it's on the boil, cottage cheese and canned fruit, mini-pretzel sticks and V-8 (especially when I wake up in the middle of the night. It makes me feel I've eaten something.) And of course yogurt, especially the little drinkable bottles.

I now have a wispy, curly, 2-inch fringe of hair around my forehead: the hair that fell out when I went off the pill has decided to grow back. And my nails continue to grow at an accelerated pace. Even the toenails, which is particularly annoying.

One odd thing is that as soon as I got pregnant, my abdominal muscles started feeling sore, like I had been doing sit-ups (I assure you, I hadn't.) I have to be careful when I cough or sneeze to be leaning over with my hands on my knees for support. Once I just sat up in bed too fast and got terrible muscle cramps for my trouble. Weird.

On Being a Bouncy Castle

2006-03-04T09:56:00.000-05:00

The still photo doesn't do it justice, but here's the sonogram from Thursday. It was indescribably different with motion. (Click for bigger version.)

I thought that the boinging looked like the baby was practicing to be an astronaut, but TheLimey came up with what it really looked like, which was living in a bouncy castle (or moonwalk for us Yanks.)

Since he was really close to hiring one of those for our wedding reception, it's clear that bouncy castle affinity is an inherited trait.

Boing!

2006-03-03T16:30:00.000-05:00

Yesterday TheLimey and I went to the (new) midwife. We're not sure what we're going to do now that we're moving to a town that will be 60 miles away from that practice, but hey, might as well make the appointment. I have filled out so much paperwork lately that I got a little cocky, answering the question "Do you smoke?" with "No, but the baby does. --KIDDING!"

TheLimey was a little nervous entering the hallowed halls of women's health care, but I'm very proud of his participation. For someone who's squeamish about hearing the word "veins", he's making great progress.

He was a bit surprised that the midwife was a slender young thing with blue eye shadow rather than a portly, middle-aged woman with a bun. Okay, I guess I was expecting someone a little older, too, but I could tell she knew what she was talking about when I asked her complicated questions. (Also, I recognize that people in positions of authority are getting younger and younger relative to my age, so I might as well start getting used to it now.)

I'm still losing weight, but I've been able to eat some nearly-normal meals lately, so it may be turning around.

We did get to see another sonogram. It's hard to resist. This one was transabdominal, so I didn't have to Assume The Position in the presence of my husband, which I don't know if he's ready for just quite yet. (We talked a bit about boundaries in unpredictable situations and I just told him to not do anything he didn't yet feel comfortable doing.)

The sonogram was actually quite funny. The baby was jumping and jumping like a little mad thing in its compartment--boing, boing, boing! And waving its little arms and kicking its legs. We were all laughing. The midwife was surprised at how active it was, which made TheLimey worry that it must mean something bad. However, she reassured him that it just meant it's a strong baby and I have a lot of pregnancy hormones (tell me about it!)

He was so pleased and happy all afternoon, that he bought me a big hardbound, gilt-edged collected-novels-of-Jane-Austen from the bargain books at Barnes and Noble. (Really, he would've gotten every other book I picked up, too, but I declined.)

For Those Following Along at Home

2006-03-01T18:38:00.000-05:00

Every week I do the same image search for baby development pix (but for that week), and every week it comes up with a completely different set of websites, although many of them have all the weeks pictures. Why would this site come up for 11 weeks, but not for 9 or 7 or 5??

I continue to be irrationally annoyed by the system of counting fetal development from before it was even conceived.

* * * * * *

Some of those comments under there are really sad and disturbing. "I'm a teenager and I haven't told my parents. This baby will love me forever, which is something I've always wanted!"

Wow, good luck with that, kid. Didn't anyone ever tell you not to have a baby to have company? You're going to be company for the baby; it's not going to be company for you.

All in the Family

2006-03-01T08:07:00.000-05:00

After communicating with my mother's two sisters, I have discovered that this pregnancy misery apparently runs in the family. One aunt lost over 20 pounds with her first pregnancy, and apparently my mother was so ill with me that they thought they were going to have to take her to the hospital. (As TheLimey worried about during that recent really sick week of mine.)

How come I've never heard anything about this before? Geez, you'd think no one in my family talked with each other. --Oh yeah, they don't!

Generally Speaking

2006-02-25T10:38:00.000-05:00

I'm feeling a lot less horrible. I still don't feel my best in the morning (or the evening for that matter), and always end up sleeping a few hours in the middle of the day. However, the reduced workload (and possibly the vitamin B6) have helped a great deal.

I still don't have the energy to do much of anything, even mental work, but I did manage to do my laundry during the week and even loaded the dishwasher once. Poor husband. Lucky for me he's such a brick, and tells me that I'm the one doing the work of growing the kid, so he's glad to do it. (He says.)

I'm certainly getting tired of being a slug, though. I don't feel overtly sick most of the time, I just feel nearly sick. It's still like I'm convalescing from something, and my belly always feels just a bit--off, I guess I'd say.

Last week I weighed myself on the sliding-beam scale in my office and found that I'd lost weight since the previous time, which worried me a little but I've seen enough references to it that I guess it's not that unusual. I think that will probably even out soon. I've been able to eat at least once a day each day this week.

My hair is growing like crazy, and so are my nails. Unless they really just grew gradually and I'm attributing it to the pregnancy. --But, no! Your metabolism does indeed speed up, so it would make sense.

We have an appointment to visit a midwife next week. I had to go through a lot of referrals and phone calls to find one, but she's associated with the Alternative Birthing Center. That's a big draw for me. I don't want pitocin, episiotomy, artificial membrane rupture, and so forth! No! Nonononono! ...And those things are a lot less likely with a midwife and in a birthing center than with an OB in a standard delivery setting.

If she doesn't seem to be what I want, I'll try the OB that one of my professors raves about. I don't know how insurance is going to take several practitioner initial visits, but there doesn't seem to be much choice if I want to check out more than one caregiver. I tried to schedule just a consultation, but they wouldn't do it. It's like you can't come in contact with any service without being hooked into the entire 9-month machine of someone's practice. I liken it to requiring me to commit to marriage before they're willing to go on a first date with me.

A friend of mine kindly drove out to visit me the other day (bringing a baby outfit and a mix CD). I tried to show how much belly I've grown, but she couldn't see it.

"Really! It's a lot bigger! See? I can't button my pants anymore!" I insisted.

"But I really just can't tell!" she pleaded. "It looks normal to me!"

(However, this is the same woman who refused to believe I wear a size 8 jeans (that large!) until I actually tried them on, and thereafter called me "Illusion-Body.")

Pregnancy Dreams

2006-02-22T07:58:00.000-05:00

In the past, I've often had those odd anxiety dreams in which I have a critter or critters to care for, and I realize that I've left it/them unfed for days, or lost in the snow, or out in the sun, or whatever.

Once I began raising fancy rats, those dreams began to always be about baby rats, usually a whole passel of 'em. I guess baby rats are good metaphors for whatever helpless creature you can think of, as they are tiny, warm, pink, wriggly, and squeepy. And also very helpless.

So as you may well guess, I have begun having those kinds of dreams again.

I dreamed that I was leaving my old pre-marriage apartment, and I realized that there was a mama hooded rat bringing her young down to the lobby one by one. And apparently someone else's babies too, as there were several different developmental stages of babies in the pile. I was worried that they were too exposed, and people would step on them and kick them out into the cold without even seeing them. So I was trying to pick up as many of them as possible, and trying to find which apartment(s) they were coming from. Then I realized that there was more than one mama rat carrying babies down those stairs, and from different apartments, and I was never going to be able to return them all or get them safe.

I did also dream a literal baby dream, in which the baby was born but a month or two too early--a small baby, but looking like a proper baby. It was a girl, and I was trying to get her to nurse, but she hadn't been able to eat in days and we had to be transported to the emergency room by paramedics.

Now, the odd thing about these dreams, is that my husband and my sister have both been having them, too. Both of them dreamed about the baby being a little weird blobby/alien kind of thing that they had to save or resuscitate. (Of course, my husband had initially squashed his dream-nub unknowingly under a wire basket.)

There seems to be a theme with everyone of the baby coming out too soon, and another theme of it being unformed and sort of alien. I have actually read discussions (in my pre-baby life) about how a lot of society's anxiety about the pre-born seems cathexed on aliens, and our images of aliens often resemble our imaginings or nightmares of what fetuses look like. If you're H.R. Giger, it's definitely a nightmare--but just as definitely a metaphor (if you think what Giger's aliens do.).

My own mother told me that she felt weird and kind of icky about her babies when she knew they were in that little blobby alien stage. (Though she didn't use those words.) I am actually happy that my dream-babies have so far taken the form of baby rats and actual babies: creatures I find familiar and cute. I'm actually okay with the weirdness and biological-ness of this whole process, for some reason. At some point in the past 10 years I made peace with my own corporeality/ physicality (and therefore necessarily imperfection and ugliness), and I think that's a big part of it.

Plus, as silly as this sounds, I find I've been identifying greatly with those mama rats I used to care for. They were so cute and funny when pregnant--little furry water balloons with legs when they got huge. And they were so unselfconscious about their physical needs, lying splayed on their backs with paws all akimbo to cool themselves as their little metabolisms sped up. And I loved the little translucent warm babies--I could tell which ones needed to be rotated in towards the feeding zone, because the ones that were already full of milk had a visible white patch in their little see-through bellies.

Presumably mine won't be exactly like that.

That's Better

2006-02-18T15:42:00.000-05:00

Reducing work has helped a lot. Now I can give in to the impulse to sleep 16 hours (in chunks, not all at once) instead of fighting it, or trying to sleep at my desk. Now I need only go into school two days a week. (It seems like a lot on those days, though.) And my speculation has turned out to be true: reduced exhaustion has led to reduced nausea.

I do still have an overall feeling of being generally unwell, as when one is recuperating from flu. However, this is a great improvement and I am grateful for it. I want to go outside and walk around in the fresh air to get my energy back up a little, but it has been bitter cold here lately.

My eating is still somewhat "off", as now I associate pretty much any eating with how sick I felt and find myself reluctant to even think about food. I find I want primarily dry, bland, processed foods, especially salty things. I have bought a lot of fruit juices to tempt myself into a) drinking fluids and b) having something besides canned meals.

The books all say to not worry about damaging the little critter by having morning sickness, and to just eat whatever you can keep inside you. However, they all then contradict themselves by also saying that it's extremely important to eat all these various foods containing--I don't know--nutrients and things! At least I'm managing to keep up on the folic acid supplements.

You Think You're Sick of Work...

2006-02-15T19:13:00.000-05:00

I have come to the conclusion that I am sick of work. Literally.

I was sort of thinking something along the lines of "if I could control this nausea and barfing, I could get back to my previously scheduled activities." But when I stepped back and stopped taking a symptomatic focus, I realized that the nausea is just the sharp tip of the whole exhaustion iceberg.

I realized that my weekly pattern has been that I drag myself to work (and do a substandard job because I'm so drained) on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. Then by Thursday morning I'm so exhausted that I go home in the afternoon and fall into a dead sleep that more or less lasts until Sunday. It takes me that long to recover. And the more exhausted I am by Thursday, the more nausea I experience during that recuperation time.

So this week I tried cutting out my clinical work (about 16 hours), and it's helped a great deal. I still don't feel perfect, but I've been able to eat every day and not throw up.

I think that it's not only the 16 hours of time (though that's considerable), but also the type of work I do clinically. This experience is making it quite clear to me that emotional work takes more energy than any other kind of work. By that I mean dealing with anyone's emotions, whether mine or others'. (Like when you feel whipped after talking to a complainer on the phone.)

I can't pull back that emotional involvement aspect and still do good clinical work (and there's the sheer time spent overall as well), so I think I will be withdrawing from clinical work for a few weeks.

Teaching is not as hard; I'll likely keep doing that. While it's great and energizing to bring that kind of emotional work to the classroom, I can still give a reasonably decent class without being a group therapist. (And no one is likely to go home and kill themselves if I make a mistake in class, unlike the kinds of risks possible in doing bad therapy.) Also, teaching is about 2.5 hours face time twice a week, as opposed to 16 hours at the clinic over three days.

Speak of the Devil...

2006-02-13T10:20:00.000-05:00

TheLimey was reading bits of his pregnancy manual (The Expectant Father) to me over the weekend, in which it discusses couvade syndrome (I know you'll go look it up if you don't know).

TheLimey [Paraphrased]: "It says I might develop symptoms such as weight gain, nausea, and nosebleed. It might have the evolutionary advantage of expressing my bond and empathy with you in an unmistakeable way."
Me: "Nosebleed is a symptom of pregnancy?"

Today: typing with wad of toilet paper stuck in nose--alas, nosebleed does appear to be a symptom.

Still vastly better than barfing, in my opinion.

In the Immortal Words of Comic Book Guy...

2006-02-12T12:34:00.000-05:00

"Worst. Pregnancy. Ever." (Okay, paraphrased.) But here's the good news:

I think it looks just like its daddy.

So, I've been to the OB-Gyn cattle-conveyer-type medical practice, which did at least include the sonogram. The critter is 16mm, which is just as it should be at 46 days of development. (What is that, Carnegie stage 18? I don't know if that system counts by weeks since conception [as it should], or the standard weeks since last menstruation.)

I have been terribly, terribly ill. Being on the computer makes me feel sick, being on the phone makes me feel sick, being in the car makes me feel sick. The smell of my own skin and hair makes me sick. Just being makes me feel sick! I've been sleeping most of the day, every day since I came home Thursday afternoon.

I haven't been able to keep down much food or liquid during that time, either. I can't eat or drink anything until about 5 pm, and then it takes me an hour just to ingest a little serving of something bland like cottage cheese and canned peaches. I sleep most of the day.

In hindsight I could have predicted this, as I already know that a) I tend to have a lot of whatever hormone I'm producing at the time and b) I tend to be pretty sensitive to whatever chemicals are in my system. I just hope that my body keeps doing things "by the book" and settles down after this month. I am making arrangements to take time off my clinic work for a few weeks, as it is simply too much.

I sure don't need to worry about finding nonalcoholic wine any longer, as I have absolutely no interest in any kind of wine. Also completely uninterested in tea and coffee. Even cheese is just too much. The nausea has completely overtaken the ravenousness. I even threw up innocuous fruit popsicles!

I had the doctor appointment on Friday, when I was feeling particularly awful. I didn't actually throw up there, but I kept thinking I was about to. And it was a three-hour appointment that involved a heck of a lot of waiting for various people to do various things.

I liked the doctor herself, but the overall arrangement was less than satisfactory. For one, it's a busy practice that's actually in a teaching hospital. So that pretty much answered my question about where I might be expected to deliver. Whereas I wanted to go to vet the practice and see what I thought of them, the expectation was that since I was there, I was "a patient" and I was already hooked into this big maternity machine.

My little list of questions to ask the doctor about the values and procedures of the practice seemed a bit moot when I had to see several other people first for all kinds of required procedures (taking various fluids from me, getting my health history, taking my insurance info, etc.)

Overall I felt the general message was "We're asking the questions, here, Missy." Also, I wouldn't get to see that particular doctor (or any particular doctor) with any frequency anyway, as it might be any of the doctors in the practice at any given time, including for the delivery. Also, during that whole three hours, not one person asked me how I was feeling (or had been feeling during the pregnancy), when I was obviously, visibly, feeling horrible. It just felt really impersonal all the way through.

I think I may be switching to another option at some point.

TheLimey seems to have been galvanized into more serious belief by seeing photographic evidence. It could also have to do with my lying completely inert on the couch all day, for days on end, in between barfing. He's been reading his Expectant Father book and going on shopping trips to get things that might tempt me to eat. Also generally fussing and worrying over me.

I can't imagine trying to do this alone, or--worse--with an unsupportive partner. I keep thinking about how cheating and/or domestic violence most often begin in pregnancy, and thanking my lucky stars for the good man I have.

Sproing...

2006-02-08T21:21:00.000-05:00

As of last week, I could close my trousers relatively comfortably. This week, I have had to leave them unbuttoned. It really seems like in a matter of days I went from having a bit thicker waist to looking like I'm developing a potbelly. The critter is supposed to double in size right about now, so that would make sense. It would also coincide with the exhaustion. If I'm growing a new body, this current one is naturally going to be tired when there's more growth occurring.

Today I saw this article on NPR.org. I'd heard about this a few years ago and was just mentioning to TheLimey that I now incorporate some of his genetic material in my own body because we've mated. But it's interesting to hear the kinds of theories that are coming out of it. (I sure hope the Good Hypothesis turns out to be the right one!)

Doubts

2006-02-07T12:39:00.000-05:00

I have read that a somewhat common phenomenon for new fathers is to have an (acknowledgedly) irrational suspicion that the baby is not theirs. This is explained as basically self-doubt about having accomplished something so monumental. (Clearly not as much an issue for new mothers, for obvious reasons.)

TheLimey and I have discussed this delusion, and if he's experienced it, he's certainly not letting on. However, he did experience some doubt the other day about the actual existence of the pregnancy. I had to reassure him that not only have I not menstruated since mid-December, but the tests (hey, I had an extra and I used it up just for kicks) came out positive.
(Type I errors are just not very common with pregnancy tests, unless you're taking fertility drugs that include HcG.) I admit I had trouble believing it for a while myself, and had to remind myself of those facts from time to time. But at least he was reassured. Lucky for him.

So as I left the bathroom this morning, shaky and teary-eyed from hanging over the toilet, he quipped: "Are you sure you're pregnant?"

Now that I'm reading another of my massive tomes on pregnancy, it looks like this is also a common reaction for men (the doubt, not the bad jokes). There is a section with quotes from women who were terribly disappointed that their (male) partners simply did not believe it, or refrained from getting excited, until there was some official word from a physician.

Which is actually kind of...well, insulting. They don't believe you about important personal matters until an authority figure backs you up? Or are men so out of touch with their bodies that they can't imagine being able to know what's going on in your own body? Or what is it, exactly?

As I said, [ominously] it's lucky he believed me.

Also Officially

2006-02-07T12:34:00.000-05:00

Have now gone from just nausea to retching! This is not entirely unlike having a permanent hangover, with the happy exception of not having any headaches.

Actually, the retching kind of helped. I didn't think it would, as it's not about some bad substance I've eaten, but rather about hormones circulating. Nevertheless, it did give me some relief from the nausea.

Have had a hard time eating or taking vitamins the past few days. Bluck.

Officially

2006-02-06T16:02:00.000-05:00

Officially having to unbutton work slacks now. These slacks always were a bit snug, though.

On the other hand, I had to unbutton my jeans over the weekend, too. Er, that is to say, over the weekend I had to unbutton my jeans.

I hope they're going to listen for a heartbeat this Friday. You'd think they'd send me an introductory packet or even just an outline of what to expect, as it's bound to be different at every place.

So....tired

2006-02-04T22:06:00.000-05:00

I wanted dearly to be one among that tough 20% of women who don't get nausea during pregnancy, but it wasn't to be. I've been pretty consistently ucky this week, though no actual barfing or even retching. The wives' tale about nausea indicating a strong pregnancy would make sense, as the same hormones that maintain pregnancy are the ones that are nauseating. It lasts until about noon or 1pm, and then I'm usually ravenous. I hope it does indeed diminish around week 12 or so as it does for many.

Also I have been increasingly exhausted. I came home Thursday afternoon and have been awake only in the evenings since then. Only in the evenings! This makes it hard to get any work done, obviously. I am wondering if there is an element of anemia in this, although I've been downing the blackstrap and potatoes-with-peels and things cooked in the iron skillet and so forth. Today I wasn't particularly hungry; I seem to be losing my appetite to some extent.

Luckily, I have my first OB-Gyn visit next Friday, as this will be week 8 so I can get prenatal visits now. I'm sure they'll take blood and perform all kinds of diagnostic things, and can see if I'm anemic or not. It could be that I'm just going to be exhausted for a few weeks.

Still haven't worked out the midwife business, but at least I have seen some news that the governor signed some legislation last fall making insurance companies pay for nurse-midwives.

A Screamapillar by Any Other Name

2006-02-01T20:13:00.000-05:00

We thought of a boy name that we both liked pretty quickly. This, even though TheLimey completely rejected both "Han" and "Lando". (However, he sure offered up "Leia" pretty quickly!) The accepted boy name involves the name of a friend of his as a middle name. (I also suggested we should simply steal the names of that entire family for the sake of convenience.)

But girl names have seemed a lot more difficult. Basically, it's a choice between Blandy Beigette and Frillinia McFrumpstress--simple names are so plain as to be ugly, while the pretty and/or fancy names are far too froofy. (Some, of course, are froofy and ugly.) I even printed out the lists of the 1,000 most popular names for various decades and tried to find some that way.

Oh, and he also rejected my science-name favorite, which is Conifer. (I don't think he'll even consider Aquifer.) He furthermore disliked--even as a middle name--Slytherin, for some reason! (And Hermione.)

However, when I suggested the name of the restaurant where we met as a middle name, we found we both liked it. It just looks like an unusual spelling of a typical girl name, anyway.

Mmmm....sleep...

2006-01-30T10:23:00.000-05:00

I am VERY glad to be done going out of town every week. I have definitely become sleepier and/or exhausted, but now I'll be able to tell if it's situational or symptomatic. (Probably both.)

Also remembered to get some candied ginger. It may be helping, or it may be that the subliminal nausea has been receding on its own the past couple of days. At any rate, it hasn't stopped me eating a lot, at least at lunch and dinner. And snacks. Like noodles at midnight*.

As far as mood, I have been feeling imperturbably calm and peaceful for the most part, as well as unduly cheerful. I think part of this is the phenomenon whereby I feel less stressed because my priorities are made very clear and those pesky stressful choices have been minimized. I think another part is likely increased serotonin, because I can feel waves of relaxation wash over me at odd times, such as driving to work.

I can still be startled easily or made anxious, so the imperturbability is a bit illusory, but it does seem that my baseline daily stress level has gone down.

This is a good thing, because my actual life has not improved much in the stress department!

*I think Like Noodles at Midnight should be a movie.

Crat!

2006-01-29T11:13:00.000-05:00

Can't take Pepto-Bismol when pregnant. I've taken it several times in the last few weeks, but must d/c its use. it's one of those "unknown but better not to" grade-C type medications.

Must definitely replace and stock up on Sprite now.

Various

2006-01-29T10:11:00.000-05:00

Having frequent low-grade nausea. Very low-grade, but very constant. I can no longer blame it entirely on vitamins or whatever, because I just wake up with it. It's kind of maddening, like when you almost have a headache. However, it's certainly better than barfing outright, and seems pretty amenable to folk remedies (like drinking Sprite, which is my new thing.)

It seems that my stomach has two settings: this low-grade nausea, and starving! We don't have a decent scale at home, so I don't know if I've gained any weight. Doesn't look too much like it.

This week the baby's bronchi are developing. Relatedly, I have an appointment at the student clinic to get my inhalers refilled. I'm not looking forward to this, because I've been treated so disrespectfully at this particular clinic so many times before, and now I have to let them in on my pregnancy.

...or do I?

I guess I could lie about when my last period was, which they always ask. I hate that idea, because I'm used to being very forthcoming and frank to my practitioners. Of course, I also hate being treated like I absolutely don't know anything and my wishes are completely irrelevant.

As for medical care during pregnitude, my first impulse is to hide in a cave and not let anyone see until it's all over. Failing that, I'd like a midwife. However, the insurance we have (a very big and common one) doesn't list any midwives as participants at all in the provider search function.

I have found some midwives and "birthing centers" posted online in the area, but not through the insurance search. I guess I can call them and ask. I'm worried that my insurance will balk at letting me use a midwife because I'm 38, and thus have fallen into the "high-risk" category simply by ageing out, not because of anything specific to me or the fetus.

I am also going to call one (or more) of the three osteopathic ob-gyns listed (out of 100). At least they are more likely to be health-oriented and treat me less like I'm a walking medical condition straight off the bat.

Food Issues

2006-01-27T10:22:00.000-05:00

I also should mention that food has become much more of a focus for my attention. I'm often thinking about it. Also, food tastes a lot more delicious than it used to. Like when you're really hungry--only it's all the time. (Although I guess I am hungry all the time.)

Even items like a plain ol' Wendy's baked potato. Man, that was a good potato, even though it was stone cold by the time I got it back to the hotel. I did have a sweets-craving day yesterday, as it turns out. I even had some Sprite and liked it, which is odd because I normally don't like pop. (Too sweet and gooey.) And also sugar wafers, which I try to avoid because of the huge wads of hydrogenated vegetable oils slathered between the wafers.

The funny thing about the significance of lime pickle: it's not what I thought it was. Apparently, according to my friend, one wouldn't feel comfortable discussing pregnancy overtly (it's related to sex!), even to one's husband and family. Therefore, the traditional way to let your husband (or family) know you're expecting is to ask him (or them) to get you some lime pickle (or some other sour food), as pregnant women are believed to crave sour foods. (This corresponds with the survey I mentioned earlier which listed citrus as one of the most-craved foods of Western women, too.)

So as for this iron business, I am trying to find other sources besides blackstrap. As much as I like it normally, eating a big spoonful every day is not helping this borderline-queasiness. And as it turns out, a baked potato (skin on) has a ton of iron in it. Also recommended is fortified cereals (like Total).

Note to self: find out what kind of potatoes Wendy's uses and buy those to bake at home!

Happy 30th!

2006-01-27T10:03:00.000-05:00

Conception day-iversary, that is.

I had a couple days last week where I was actually feeling a bit anxious because I didn't feel pregnant. I think I had mainly gotten used to the novelty, and my daily life felt kind of back to normal, which scared me.

However, my aunt reminded me of her aunt who not only didn't feel pregnant, but never even knew she was pregnant until one day when she had "gas" that turned out to be the birth of a baby. (This meta-aunt was apparently rather corpulent.) I think this must be the opposite of those "hysterical pregnancies" one hears about. She also said that she was so convinced that her own first pregnancy would end in disappointment that even two days before the birth, she actively refused to get baby clothes and accessories.

The point being, one doesn't always have that Special Sense all the time.

It does seem that I awaken a little bit queasy these days. But only a very small bit. Since I often awaken already shaking with hunger, and hunger often makes me queasy anyway, perhaps that's the link.

At any rate, I commented this morning in bed that I felt just a wee bit nauseated, at which TheLimey gave his usual apology (for anything happening in the world at all, really.) I said, "Oh, it's not your fault, hon. [pause] ---Oh, wait a minute, it is your fault!"

I'm going to be able to get so much mileage out of this.

Cowhead, baked potatoes, and tadpole

2006-01-24T14:43:00.000-05:00

I did not create this, and now I can't even remember where I found it.

I don't know whether I should be relieved and overjoyed or disappointed that I wasn't the one who came up with it.

****

Later: darnit, this was an animated GIF, but it looks like Blogger converts them to jpg.

Well, maybe later I'll upload it to another site and link it. But I have to get ready for leaving town and stuff, so I'm already goofing off way too much.